August 1st, 2024

So Tuesday wasn’t the best of days for me. I was contemplating drinking. Trying to rationalize drinking. Making deals if I only drink one it’s not bad the thoughts will stop and you can just go to AA again. Telling myself just have one is funny to me. I’ve never been a just have one kinda person. Not one drink beer glass line hit shot. 1 is just a pregame for 5 6 and 7. I didn’t want to drink my brain was just trying to make deals with itself.  My anxiety was just real bad. 

Then I get a text from someone who’s texts I’ve actually have grown to look forward to everyday. She asked me how I was. I said I’m alright. She goes just alright… what’s up. 

I have to be honest so I tell her. If I didn’t have this fear of letting people down I would’ve already started drinking again. I don’t want to drink but let be honest that’s just what I end up doing.  Now Everyday I think about drinking. I didn’t drink everyday to begin with so why is it so hard to stop thinking about it. 

She tells me among other things to ask the universe for help. Help clearing my thoughts bc I can’t think of 2 things at once. She said I know is sounds crazy but try it. Trust the process. 

If I’m being honest I thought this chick is crazy because how is talking to nothing going to help me. But what do I have to lose. So on my way home from work I didn’t talk to the universe. But instead I talked to my grand mom.

I ask my grand mom for help. I asked her to give me strength to get through this. To help clear my head and guide me in the right direction. You only wanted what was best for me since I was born so please help me see and think clearly.  Help me to help myself free my mind and clear my heart everything negative. 

Then I had a conversation with myself. You got 2 options Mel. You can 1 go back to drinking and ignore everything and keep believing the bullshit lies Alcohol is telling you. Use alcohol to numb everything. Forget about AA and everything you’ve learned about yourself. Risk losing everything because you are a risk taker. Or option 2 choose yourself for once in your life and grow some balls. Stand up for yourself and step outside your comfort zone. Throw yourself in AA and use the advice these people are giving you. Give it everything you got and have just a little faith that everything will work out. Believe and have faith that you deserve better.