December 4th, 2024

I missed his birthday.  He turned 19 on the 2nd. I can’t believe I missed it. Him and I were so close when he was little. Kid meant the world to me. I lost the right to use that in the present tense. I don’t know him anymore. He isn’t the same 5 year old that use to follow me around. He’s grown now. He’s able to make his own decisions. He can call or reach out if he chooses too. But I’d never get a phone call or a text message. For all I know Linds has filled his head with so much bull shit. I can’t blame him for sticking by her. That’s his mom. I always wanted what was best for him. I wanted everything to be different. But I walked out on him when I walked out on her. He was a casualty in all this. 

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like a piece of shit for never texting or calling. I first moved out when I was 17 maybe 16. And ever since then no matter where I’ve lived my family never reached out to get together. Never offered to set up plans to come for a visit. I mean shit I’ve been back in Tiffani’s life for maybe 3 years now. You’d think I’d get even an offer to come to Xmas dinner. You’d think she would care enough to see if I had plans to go anywhere?? I’m with Ryan so maybe she thinks she doesn’t have to ask. But even before Ryan. All I got was crickets. Yet somehow it always was thrown back on me because I never came around I never called I never texted. According to them everything was my fault. 

I’m tired of the one way relationships. I’m tired of doing things so others don’t think I’m asshole. I’m tired of people pleasing and I’m starting to realize I do it more than I think. How many situations have I been in and responded in a way so someone feels didn’t get hurt?? Meanwhile while I’m slowly dimming my own light. I don’t want to be a bad person. I know what I’m saying might make me come off as a bad person. I have to start doing what makes me happy just to make myself happy. I can’t have negative things in my life that bring me down and make me sad and depressed and angry. I will always love Aiden.  If a  day comes when he calls and needs me. I’d like to think I’d be there for him. Just like I was when he was 5. But I need to let him go like I let her go. 

I’m gonna have faith tho that he finds happiness daily. That someone is watching over him and keeping him safe. Hopefully he remembers the love I have for him. 

There’s a reason I forgot about his birthday. I dont even remember the last time we spoke. Regardless if it’s Aiden or not. I’m just tired of always being the one that feels it’s necessary to reach out. My nephew and nieces are at an age where they can make their own choices. I just can’t let it bring me down if I’m not a choice they choose anymore. I have to own it. I didn’t make it a point to be part of there lives growing up. So I can’t expect them to make me apart of their lives now. I just have to accept it and remember if it’s meant to be the relationships will find their way back to me. 

I lay here writing all this down. I feel good and than I start feel shitty. Like I’m sad because I know once I give up trying to keep myself invested in my family that I will be forgotten about. I’m afraid that I won’t be missed. My family has been through some shit. We ain’t been a family in a long time. We haven’t actually been a family in even longer. I know they will continue to live without me because they’ve done it my whole life. I just wish it didn’t make me sad. I’m not angry because I see my part in it and I know I could’ve handled things differently. I can’t change the past I can only better prepare for the future. 

I just wish I wasn’t sad about it. I know the whole thing just makes me sad so you’d think I’d be happy to let it go. I want to be free of this burden of worrying every time a holiday comes or a birthday comes up. Running right to the phone because if I don’t text I know how that will make me look. I no longer wish to go back and change things. You know back before life happened. Because doing that would change the right now. Even tho there’s some sadness and fear I’m working through in my heart…. There’s a lot of love in there. Self happiness. Laughter. Honesty. Joy. 

I’m the only one who can free myself. I have to remember I’m doing what’s best for me. By letting go it doesn’t mean I can no longer speak to them. I’m letting go of the burden and worry of trying to be the person I think they want me to be. I just live in the happiness I’ve found.