February 9th, 2024

“So what if you’re not perfect? Nobody else is either.” -Joyce Meyer

What if all this is for nothing?

What if this is all a silly dream?

What if all this is, is some fucked up nightmare I’ll spend forever trying to wake up from?

The days go up. The days go down. Waves of joy. Waves of anger.  Frustration and confusion. You spend your life in the dark forgetting what it feels like to like to stand in the light. One taste it’s like a drug. Stuck in a trance trying to just get back to the light. 

The light will return as the nights turn to days. Trying to make it another 24 and just not take that drink. Searching for silence in mist of the madness. The madness is you. Control the mind and the rest should follow. The mind is lost. Insanity. Trying to grip. Hold on. Sobriety is found. Like a missing piece. That plot twist in a story that has already been written. A chance to change a narrative. Do shit different. Feel different. Be actually different.

Get back to what makes you, you. Before the drugs and the booze. Back when you weren’t afraid to lose. Feel the feelings that use to make you want to be numb. Feel the guilt from the memories. Walk through the wreckage of your mind.  Search for the light. Ask for guidance. Look for the peace. Look for the good time. Look for the reasons to just want to smile. To laugh. All will be revealed if you just get through another 24. 

Obsessed. This too shall pass. The break will come and the light will shine. Like before. Just make it through another 24. Good things will come to those strong enough to fight for them. This is what you wanted so why are you falling apart? Pull yourself back together. Look for that light. Have some faith that all this shit is going to turn out alright. 

What if you do deserve all this?

What if all they’re saying is right?

What if all of this ends up being worth it?

So many questions but I’m left to wonder what if?