March 3rd, 2024 

 There’s many things in my life that bring me happiness. In a sense make me happy. But would I still be happy if none of those things existed? I’ve asked this god for a clear mind and the ability to move from topic to topic as thoughts run through my head. I must admit this is the case today. I can ask myself the serious questions about myself to myself. Without the doubt and self sabotage that comes with these thoughts normally. There’s things about myself that I love. There’s a long list of things I need to change. Today I’m the best girlfriend and friend I can be. Even when the thoughts of past Mel creep in I know I’m loved and needed today. Right now.  I wish I could see myself through your eyes. 

Today I’m grateful. I’m grateful to be needed and loved. I’m grateful that I have an ability to make others happy. My mood right is not one of joy and excitement tho.  I know I allow the fear of the future to effect me in ways it shouldn’t. I’m working to become better at that. I don’t think I have it in me to be a pleasant up beat happy joyful person daily. Maybe in time this will become easier. This doesn’t mean that when I say I’m just okay. That I’m not okay. In sobriety days are gonna be up and days are gonna be down. You try your best and live with the rest. So I’m gonna live with it.  Work on the ability to let go and move freely throughout the day. I’m self seeking. It’s one of my biggest character defects. I seek out attention. I hate when I do not receive it. I want to be the center of people’s worlds even when my presence is not needed or required. I know the work I need to do on myself. I know this is a long journey and I’ve only just packed my bags.

 I need to be honest with myself regarding my sobriety. The obsession to drink has lifted I think. Everyday is different. I don’t think about it everyday like I did early on in sobriety. I wish I wasn’t an alcoholic. There’s days I miss drinking. Not the outcome or the side effects from it. I wish I could drink safely. It’s easy to push the thoughts of a drink aside on the bad days. I feel like shit and I know where that drink will lead me. I’ll never forget where that one drink took me. The good days. It’s not the case. Just one won’t hurt. You’re good. You’ll handle it better. It’s like there’s two Mels. Sober Mel. And well you probably wouldn’t love the other. 

I get inside my head too much. Too many inner thoughts seep out. Second guess if I should’ve said that. Days come when I say nothing and you’ll assume something is off.  No response given because maybe at the end of it all it wasn’t needed. I’m better off just dealing with it. I must sound completely insane. I’ve always been able to save myself. Not always in the healthiest ways. But I lost this ability to sobriety.