February 21st, 2024

I’m back now

Did you miss me?

Did you notice I was gone?

Mind drifts to a flash back I wonder.

I stopped looking under the bed when I realized the monster was inside me. Too scared to look in the mirror. Too broken to even get up from this bed. Chasing pills with shots. Just trying to make it through the day. Instead the monster speaks these words of madness. The chaos I crave. Fuels the fire that’s raging. Making every wrong feel right. 

The need to stop is multiplying. I’m scared to admit I want these tomorrows to end. Juggling pills and drinks by the bottle.  Covering up pain and tears that fall silent. This obsession is real and voices in my head are amplifying. I want to be alive by how am I suppose to live with all this emptiness inside? I chase the high of the nights I’ll never remember. This is who I am I say. How am I suppose to grow up if I was never raised? Besides I’m definitely not the one to blame. 

I fill the voids with good times and fake smiles. These people don’t know that inside I’m secretly dying. Pride won’t allow me to raise a hand for help. They’d laugh anyways so I take my drinks and go play by myself. I can’t control this once that liquors in my blood. So much uncontrolled rage I black out on you and wake up still in that same daze. Like what the fuck? I’m sorry I’m sorry is all I can bring myself to say. I’m at a loss for words can’t remember what I did or even what I said. 

I’m shook back to reality. Past nightmares become present daydreams. There’s a monster still in me but is no longer apart of me. Breathing in shallows breaths it no longer speaks for me. It speaks in quiet whispers that sometimes scream.  The sudden screams are a constant reminder of how fast I’ll slip back to nightmares posing as dreams. All it’ll take is one sip. This sobriety thing is everything that bottle promised.