February 23rd,2024

Internal dialogue can be a positive experience or negative influence. Seems like I have more negative than positive that I don’t recognize when a positive one comes along. So focused on the negative. My mind races and it’s out of control before I can grab it. The conversations that I have with myself have killed me over and over again. Have stolen days if not weeks from me. So focused on the negative I become stuck. In a place no one wants to stay. I replay conversations. Wondering how I could have spoke differently. Wondering if the words I chose to use will make people not want to be around me. As if my actions somehow will cause so many amazing things in my life to disappear. This fear paralyzes me at points. Keeps me from fully letting my words be spoke. I feel that’s why my writing comes easy to me. I freely choose the words my mind, my heart want to say. Even the ones I can’t always find confidence to speak out loud. 

I wish I knew of an easier way to deal with thoughts internally. To turn off my mind when it starts to run. Maybe it comes down to trust. Trusting people that they will be there for me regardless of what happens. Regardless of what I do and what I say. I’m just trying to be the best person, friend I can be. But what if the day comes when my best just isn’t good enough. People have spoken to me in my past as if they’d be around forever. But where are they now? How many times have I been the one to blame for that? Pushing people away. Walking away because of my own actions. I’d rather leave than be left. When I leave I’m controlling the narrative. I control the outcome. I’m responsible for the fact I’m alone.  Words are powerful. They can hurt or help someone. Yet why do I put myself over and over in this debate on if I said or did the right thing? A debate I have daily. All hours. Sometimes the same conversation I will repeat. This leads me to be convinced that people hate me. I put so much passion into the people I allow to be close to me. So much energy that if for any reason that energy was no longer there I’d fall. Fall hard. Fast. On my face. And again I’d have to pick myself up. I haven’t been alone these last 10 years though. He’s always been here. 

The constant factor in my life the last 10 years has been Ryan. The light inside my world that was full of darkness. I just expected him to always be there. Many times I’ve took it for granted. It wasn’t until tonight I think I fully understood how many times he almost disappeared like the rest of them. Because of the bullshit I brought into his life. I don’t remember a lot of things I’ve said to him in the middle of me blacking out. But the constant memory I have is sitting on the bedroom floor. Crying. I said words, if I were sober, would never leave my lips let alone enter my mind. “Don’t ask me to choose because you’re not gonna like the choice I make.” This is just one of the many things I’ve said to him that I’ll never remember but he’ll never forget. I’m glad I have this memory. Something else I didn’t realize until this evening. It’s a reminder of where my drinking can take me. A reminder of the hurtful vicious person I can be. It’s a reminder of how close I came to losing the one person who’s stuck around when these friends of mine fell off and vanished. I’m blessed to stand by his side and my hope is to one day believe I deserve to stand by it. 

Hopefully I’ll be able to better master my internal dialogue and not replay everything I say or do one day. But do I really want a life where there nothing going on inside my head? Good or bad?. There’s a fear that if I lose that part of me. I’m losing a part I’m going to eventually want back.