February 26th, 2024

You ever wonder if all this is worth it? Like living day after day. Going through the motions of your day. Wondering if something anything is going to just give? Is it worth putting myself through pain anguish raw emotions all for hopes that you’ll find some light that will make everything all better? They will call it growth. The hope is that you’ll find yourself. One day anyways. But somethings we just lose things and never find them again. Somethings are meant to be apart of your life than vanish as quickly as they came. If I could go back and fix all the mistakes in my life I’d end up washing myself away with them. Is it truly worth it in the end? When the credits roll at the end of your life what pictures would play in the highlight reel? Are they happy pictures of happy times? Will they capture your life the way you hope people will see it? Or will they be pictures full of heartache. Full of angry and sadness? I’m a firm believer that your life is yours. What you do with it is up to you.  I wish I could go back and tell myself the people around you are lying. Your life could be better than the hand you’ve been dealt. I don’t know if I’d take the due over if it was offered. I’m too afraid things would end up the same inside of me. Some people are born simple. Then there’s me. 

 I have a fear that one day people will see me as I see myself. A selfish misguided individual who really only cares about herself and few others. Some days.  I love myself but I hate myself at the same time. I hate that inside is a different person than what may appear on the outside. I want to be myself but I constantly try to be what other people tell me to be. With hopes that one day I’ll love me for me. I’m a good person or at least I try to be. But inside I want it all. I want what you have and what she’s got. I’m happy one minute than next I’m sad. All the while not even knowing why. Outgoing and then shy and awkward. Calm and steady than nervous and anxious. 

Speak words of positivity and peace. But inside I don’t believe I words I just spoke. I play a roll of someone on a good track. Caring about everyone else before myself. Yet I used the word selfish when describing me. Mentally a very fucked up individual who’s just trying to stay sober. I beat myself down because I feel as if I deserve it. I deserve the pain. Careful to catch myself because god forbid I allow myself to stay happy. There’s a block mentally I’m trying to get past. Too scared to even be happy. 

I’m back to not sharing in meetings. Leaving meetings with a mind for of thoughts I should’ve just said. I should’ve just raised my hand but instead I sat quietly. I’m happy for people I truly am.  But again I’m selfish. I want everything right now. Just for me. Right here. I want everyone’s attention but only when it’s convenient for me. I’m rambling on and I got to get it out. Sometimes I hide behind the words I type. It’s a lot easier than saying them out loud for everyone to hear. This doesn’t make any sense. The thoughts are coming faster than my fingers can type. I’m not looking for pity and honesty I don’t need your attention. Not right now anyways. The thoughts are suffocating me and I can’t seem to catch my breath. Trying to find the positives in mind full of doubt. Is all this worth it? I guess we will find out.