January 24th, 2024

I’m laying here deciding not to go to this new meeting this morning. The thought of going by myself. Not knowing anyone. Just like times before. I’m talking myself out of doing things because I don’t want to be by myself. That instead of just going to CW I’m literally just giving up. I don’t want to go anywhere anymore. CW is familiar to me. I could go by myself. By myself… funny. I don’t do anything by myself. 

I feel like all I’m doing is making excuses. I’m beating myself up for not being brave enough. Strong enough. People can’t hold my hand through life. Knowing this I’m still looking for a hand. I don’t like doing things by myself it’s a given fact. Been this way my whole life. Yet I get anxious when I go places with people I know too.  I put so much pressure on myself to be perfectly perfect. In the end I just beat myself up and I end up feeling less than myself. 

I’d like to think that this doesn’t happen all the time but that would be a lie. Not every day. But some I spend in a mental battle with myself. I assure myself that something is going to happen and I must prepare myself for it. Than I start listing all the bad things in my head and how to prepare for them. I end up just wanting to not go. Call out. Nothing can happen if I’m not there. But I have to work so I go. Everything turns out okay fine. 

Just like places I go. I get myself into a mental worry but when I get there everything turns out okay. Last night I was really looking forward to going to this meeting. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was able to do things like this on my own. To proud to ask someone to go with me. I don’t want anyone to know I can’t go by myself. After 6 months.  I’m still trying to impress these amazing friends I have now. Friends I’m incredibly grateful for. They don’t care that I’m not perfect. So why do I still try to be perfect for them? So emotional. Some days I think I’m too much of a mess for anyone. 

I should’ve just went last night. Tired or not. I’m comfortable enough in that meeting even if I was by myself without the squad. I knew it but I really felt good that I’d be able to go to this new meeting. Crazy to think I’d go somewhere new by myself. But I did feel good.  It’s not that big of deal and I’m laying here blowing this way up. But it’s not  just about this new meeting today. It’s about me in general. I hate that I just can’t do stuff myself. How many times did I not do  what I wanted because I’d have to do it by myself? How many moments did I miss out on because it required me to go somewhere by myself? 

I’m a thinker so I will find answers. I should probably learn to sit with myself and then maybe I’ll be able to better handle going and doing things by myself. It seems like backwards logic but I think I might give it a go. See what happens. This too shall pass.