March 29th, 2024

Everything is beautiful depending on the situation and how one approaches it. 

As a child I was programmed to spot out the negatives in every situation. Not being able to see beauty for what it is. Immediately shutting down any idea of the possible good outcome because the negatives are incredibly high. Smiling for no reason I don’t believe ever existed. At least I can not remember ever doing this. Sheltered quiet kid I didn’t express myself freely. Afraid? Maybe. I don’t know if was my parents or if it just the way I was. I got accustomed to always keeping my thoughts inside. I became one of my closest friends. I criticized myself every step in every way. I couldn’t see the beauty inside myself. I was taught that the world is just a shitty place. This is the hand you were dealt so deal with it. The people around me didn’t dream. So I stopped dreaming. 

In sobriety I’ve found that there’s beauty all around us. I’m able to see it. Process it. Enjoy it. Maybe it’s in a sign? The way the wind blows through the leaves causing them to fall. Or the sun as it warms your face on a cold morning. A shy smile from a stranger nearly twice your age as she passes you by. Probably won’t ever see them again but yet still wanting to flash a smile back. 

I’m settling back into today. The highs from past days have subsided and I feel okay. I feel normal. If me feeling normal could actually become a thing. There wasn’t a crash like I expected. I’m content. I’m at peace. Not sure if I’m exactly happy though. There’s just so much beauty in this world. I’m sorry I missed out on so much of it. I remember wanting to change the world when I was younger. Probably barely 7 or 8.  Back before life shifted and so did many of my dreams. Beauty is not always about looks. Beauty is the way you talk to people. Help people. Kind words or a thoughtful gesture. The way you treat someone. The way you teach yourself. See my disease of alcoholism isn’t always the nicest. I’ve called myself and treated myself 10x worse than someone I’ve called a friend has. I’m learning tho to forgive myself. It’s harder than I care to admit. I’m a bad person like I’ve told myself over a dozen times these past 8 months and thousands before I got sober. 

I have a beautiful soul that’s been heavily damaged in my lifetime. Both by myself and others around me. Working towards a better understanding of who I am. The real person inside all this darkness and trauma. Behind the walls I still put up to an outsider. The person I was intended to be from the beginning. I feel like I was 5 years old yesterday. Where did my life go. It doesn’t seem like it as your going through day after day. Than suddenly I blinked an I’m 35 years old. I’m grateful I have a chance today to see the beautiful in things. To recognize the things and people around me that are beautiful and bring me a sense of peace. I’m greatful for the I love in my life. To love another person whether in a relationship or friendship and feel the love reciprocated as well… It’s the best kind of beauty. Everyone deserves love. It’s so incredibly beautiful.