March 9th, 2024

Everyone has them

Few know how to actually control them. 

Or at these I don’t. 

Feelings used to not affect me. 

Numb everything so you feel nothing. 

Nothing is better than pain. Better than sadness

Better than taking a leap expressing yourself just to land flat on your face.

Feelings in sobriety some days don’t mix

Dealing with feelings takes courage. 

In a sense because as an over thinker I know the outcome. possible outcome because I’ve realized I’m not god. 

But still I have a pretty good hunch as to how things will play out. 

Yet still talking about your feelings knowing everything around you could fall apart. 

Knowing that there’s a chance your plans maybe ruined. 

It takes a new level of bravery. Because the old you would’ve held it in. Because that was the easy way. Just not deal. 

Feelings are powerful. They can change a moment a relationship a person. 

Starting to realize that if you don’t let go of your feelings. Be honest true. You end up living with these feelings inside you. What if they’re not good?

You shouldn’t let someone’s feelings dictate how you express yours. Your feelings matter too. You can’t control someone’s emotions or how they might react to yours. Fear is what stops you. Stops all of us. Fear of being judged or misled. Brainwashed even. Brainwashed into thinking or feeling yours don’t really matter so we keep them locked up. Even if you’re the one brainwashing yourself. Your mind is a dangerous place. Be careful of the feelings you have for yourself. You could lose days stuck on feelings that aren’t real. Your disease tricking you into a fictitious story. One it’s created for you inside your head. Trying to decipher real from a delusional feeling. Trust your circle. You can’t block out the world and wonder why you still feel alone. 

Theres a lot I’ve learned in sobriety. So much more I haven’t begun to discover. Past trauma has programmed us with feelings of betrayal. Feelings of hurt. Feelings that everyone we meet will do and act the same as the people from our pasts. We push away everyone just because of these feelings. It takes courage to trust people. Believe that things will work out okay. That no matter what happens in your life you will come out of it okay. Learn that people may leave you. But it’s not always because of you. Sometimes people are just renting space in your life. Not meant to be there forever. 

I read before those we mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind. Embrace the love around you. Someone recently told me accept the feelings because they are your feelings. Don’t accept things the way they are because you don’t want to deal with them. After all those people could end up saving you from you. So tell them every feeling that running through you. Be brave. Because I’m pretty sure they’re still gonna save you anyways.