March 25th, 2024

If you look up inspire in a dictionary it’s going to say something like -to fill someone with the urge or ability to do or feel something; especially to do something creative. 

This brings me to me. Yeah I know what you’re thinking. Here she goes again all self centered and shit. This maybe true but I’m honest about it today. I never thought I’d amount to anything of importance. Like someone would take my words and implement them into their lives. Like my advice is something of value and they would even consider taking it. I’m just trying to be me. Find me again before the darkness overtook me. Back when Santa was real and the tooth fairy still left dollars. Back when all it took was a bandaid to heal the pain. 

I started this journey the moment I decided I was done. The moment I realized I no longer wanted to be friends with the monster inside me. Fueled by alcohol. Honestly I never wanted to help anyone. I wanted to focus on me and get the fuck out. I didn’t understand the phrase I get drunk we stay sober. But I kept coming back and I’m glad I did. Because it has brought me to some of the most meaningful connections I’ve had with not only myself but people I truly cherish. 

To have someone say they’re inspired by you. They recognize the good in you and want it for themselves. It seems completely insane. Wake up. Don’t you know the person I was? How I manipulated and spun shit to fit my agenda? Why would someone be inspired by me? Even more so call me a friend. These questions immediately over took me. Listen I’m just Me. I’m not cool enough to be so liked and needed. I don’t deserve the love and friends I have  in the life today. They truly are a blessing. 

If you can hear me up there. Please don’t take any more of my friends. I promise I won’t screw if up this time. I won’t use or hurt them like I’ve shown to in my past. This is different. They’re different. I don’t want to let them down. They believe in me in such a way I feel powerful. There’s got to be some sort of god or whatever you choose to believe in. Its written on their faces…. The passion and care. The love and laughter. They love me for me. 

It feels amazing to have people say such kind words. I think what makes me nervous is I feel it too. I’ve changed. I think I’m falling in love with myself. It’s probably just the height of today and when tomorrow comes I will indeed come back down. I feel it in myself. They loved me enough to get me to today. So how could I not give back to the people who’ve been there? The day ones and new group comers. Look I don’t understand a lot of things. I know I’m still on step 4. My big book doesn’t have a crease in the spine. But I’m sober tonight. Today I helped people. Today I started the love myself a little more. Today I trust myself a little more too. Today was a pretty great day.