April 3rd, 2024

I reach these points, maybe days is a better word where I just feel miserable. Something is wrong and I can’t seem to isolate what is the cause. Like something is missing. I’m missing. I’m quiet and distracted. I’m disconnected and lonely. I know there’s love around me and laughter with friends I still take for granted.  Even though I still remember the nights spend alone. In a dark room. Sadness and anger. Alone. Today I’m surrounded by LOVE yet I feel alone. Surrounded by people I feel alone. I know that I’m not alone. Maybe subconsciously I miss the sadness and anger. It brought with it a constant reminder that the pain was real. The delusional thinking allowed the pain to remind me I was alive. Mentally today, I just want to fall apart and cry. But when you’re built with this chip. Being strong is all you know. 

He loves me and is here for me. I know he believes I get like this because of something he is not doing. No matter how many times I try to convince him otherwise. I can’t help but think where would I be if he wasn’t here. With his infectious smile and calm domineer. He’s the rock that holds me down. Even on the days when he shouldn’t. I have friends that know me well enough now to keep me talking. They don’t let me get too quiet or stray too far. Even when I say I’m not up for talking. They still talk because they know that’s what I need. Someone who’s going to keep talking even if one word responses is all I can seem to muster up as a reply. Even if those responses may take 2 or 3 hours to hit there inbox. They know I won’t leave them with the 3 dots like I’m not done typing. iPhone users will get that last reference. Only allowing 2 maybe 3 to actually know me. The people I tell everything too. Without a second thought or hesitation. Then there’s a selected few whose presence in my life seem to alleviate the bad thoughts of me I use to be fixated on.

I don’t know why I go through these days where nothing seems right. Even though I’m fully aware of everything in my life is worth being grateful for. I’m sober and no longer think internally that I’m a mistake. That people could and would replace me with a better version of me they’ve found in someone else. But yet these days still stumble upon me. Like the high waves that I wish could last forever. These are the low points where I pray a little extra for that guidance. This too shall pass. It all comes back to wondering what brings these on. If I knew than maybe I’d be able to learn how to better side step them. These feelings I use to suffocate with alcohol and a few pills. I use to numb the good feelings along with myself. Am I good or bad?  Does the difference matter to me at this point? 

I just want to feel happy. Actually no, not happy. Being happy has too much pressure attached to it. I just want to be able to smile. Smile for no know reason and realize it. That’s one of the best feelings. No one person can be happy…. Day after day just 24/7 all day happy. Calling bullshit. If this is the case for you then I commend you. I live a life in reality. My reality. Life happens and I deal with it. Learning news ways to deal with it is a never ending lesson. I would love a sit down so I can pick your brain. Learn the ways your mind processes life on life’s terms. I’m ever evolving in my pursuit to continue to live a life without the need to escape to the bottom of a bottle. Because there are no longer any answers down there. No escape. No freedom. No power. Just forgotten promises and broken hearts. 

I turned to write as a way to unleashed thoughts from being trapped inside my head. Hoping that by writing these thoughts it will clear out the negative thoughts, intrusive thought that I must not let hang around. These thoughts have stolen days from me. None of which are ever truthful. That’s where your circle comes in. To help you get outside of your head and into today. They are my support system. The people willing to drop whatever they got to help me stand when I can’t seem to find my footing. They’re willing to sit with me in the rain even when they have somewhere else dry they can be. I hold tight to these people. These people are my village. They fight for me…with me. Whether I’m willing to fight or not. 

I won’t stay low forever. Faith will guide me back. Hearing me talk about faith still comes at a shock. Some may say I’ve been brainwashed. Maybe I have but I witness things around me. Things I can’t find an explanation for. Random things never use to happen to me before. Not enough for me to notice. I notice these things now and I’m more grateful that I’m able to appreciate them. I’ve felt things inside me that have me questioning everything remotely involved with GOD as I understand him. I question everything. I want to know all the answers to a tests I haven’t even been given yet. This journey will get me there. The answers which I’m searching for.

One day at a time.