March 30th, 2024

I struggle between 2 emotions. Both anger and pain. There’s a feeling of forever I can’t seem to get past. There’s been no relationship hardly in the past 10 or 12 years so why is this bothering me so much? Now feels like forever. It’s better to know than not know. I don’t regret making the phone call. It was good to hear her voice even if she didn’t know it was me calling. It’s easier to be angry. But if I allow myself to become angry it will consume me. I know myself enough now that my mind would race and obsess.  It pretty much already is. I’ll end up doing something I’d regret. I’d do permanent damage. Maybe completely destroy what could be a relationship in the future. I’m not an idiot. I’m just really good at not accepting things without trying to come up with a way to fix. Acceptance. Accepting that I can’t control everything around me. I feel like I’m just repeating the same cycle. Over and over like I haven’t gotten it. Why can’t I just forgive myself? Have I? I wrote the letter to clean my side. I believe in my heart I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago. I’ve changed and if she doesn’t want to meet this version of me then I have to be okay with it. Won’t happen over night. Maybe not in a week. I don’t want to allow it to fill me with rage and anger. It just bothers me because it genuinely feels like it’s forever and if it is I hope she has a happy life. The more I lay here with these thoughts racing I begin to move myself into her shoes. What if I’m not good for her sobriety. Maybe having me in her life brings up too much for her that she’s isn’t ready to deal with. Her staying sober is the most important thing. I guess I just always thought she would be in my life. Even if it was on holidays and birthdays. This whole thing just has a sense of forever. I don’t know what it will be like 6 months down the road or a year. My hope is that one day I do get a letter.  I’d take a letter containing words of her just yelling at me. It sounds crazy but at least I’d know she stills cares. Cares enough to yell and scream. I guess Ive finally gotten to the root of it. She thought me being in her life was so harmful that she blocked me instead of just not responding. I feel so stupid for even feeling anything. Like why care? I’ve known or had a hunch since December that I was more or less blocked. The realization of knowing the truth. I can’t just give up hope that we will never have a relationship again. No matter how much my anger and fuck you attitude wants me too. I forget the things I have to be grateful for. When I’m upset. So lasers focused on what wrong. I miss everything thats right. I have Ryan. Friends. A life most days I’m completely in love with. It’s going hurt. I’m going to be confused. Going about and forth between hurt and anger. I was taught to allow myself to feel feelings just don’t stay there. I was be okay. Tomorrow will come and next and then another day after that. The world is not going to stop because I can’t move forward. I keep going back to why do I care so much that she has me blocked. I feel like I’m losing my mind. She’s has been apart of my life in so so many years.  Why not does it bother me? I’m hurt she didn’t respond. She was suppose to write me back and we were suppose to come to an understanding. Maybe she didn’t get it. Maybe one day I’ll find out if she ever did. I use to want my family to leave me alone. I regret that tonight. Even if it’s just for tonight. I’d run back when I had no where to go. She’d be there. Wow. I used her and didn’t even realize it. 

I miss her. I’m sorry. I just need her to know that I’m sorry.