April 7th, 2024

I was told early in sobriety that my alcoholism is more than just drinking. It’s a thinking disease. Back in my drinking days whether I had been drinking or not I would always wrap myself up in someone’s life. Like if I wasn’t involved in every conversation I’d surely be forgotten about. I believe I have a split personality. What I mean by that is every person in my life gets a different version of me. Some may seem the same but they are not. I always seemed to react on impulse. Now in sobriety I take to time to think about things before I wild out. I was so consumed with hurting people the way I hurt. Whether it was their fault or not. I would walk around with this attitude that nothing fazed me. For the most part I seemed like that was indeed the case. That no matter what anyone would say or do I was fine because I thought I was better than you anyways. Meanwhile inside I was dying a slow death. Maybe not actually dying… but my soul was. Pieces of me I was losing. I’ve alter and changed myself so many times I don’t remember the kid that had the dream of changing the world. The kid who would lead with her heart and not her mind. I don’t know how I got to this point in my life. Living through my 20s I didn’t care whether I lived to see 30 or died just short of it. I felt like I had so much time in my life to figure things out. I truly believe I started to grow up 8 months ago. This was the time I made a decision to finally put the drink down and walk away without it. 8 months ago I started to take back a sense of control in my own life. I’ve been running so far out of control I never knew I could have a life worth living. So busy trying to control the people around and in my life that it never occurred to me how far I’d gone. Pointing the fingers at everyone around me instead of the person in the mirror. 

My thinking has lead to some good writings. But I can’t help be to see that maybe its hurting me at the same time. So used to the do now think later mindset. I don’t even feel like I’m taking chances anymore. I use to be the kind of person that would risk everything for something better. Or maybe what I thought would be better. Not better for the people around me… just me. What would be better for me. I spend so much of my time second guessing myself. About life, work sobriety. I’m so indecisive about things now. I don’t know how to become more confident in this new version of me I’m become. By confident I mean.. So that I can stop over analyzing every decision I have to make or word I say to people. It’s a thinking disease I get it. I’d rather be thinking than drinking. Every day is a work in progress. A clean slate for me to be a better person than I was before. It’s not every day I’m going to love myself the way I should. But with each day that passes I get a new day to give it another shot.

Drinking led me to have a sense of false confidence. Take a shot you’ll loosen up or here take a hit it’ll chill your ass out. So worried about what people around me were doing. I must do more. And more. Too many shots. Hits. Just to blow the smoke.  Lines. Stack them one by one. My body never knew if it was going up or down. No wonder I’m so screwed up. After years spent in a cell. A cell I locked myself inside. Always wanting to throw away the key but I never did. Maybe this was the key of willingness the whole time? Maybe I had it and never realized the power it could unlock. I lived so much of my live in such a short time. But when I was in it, it felt like the days dragged on and the nights would never end. I never wanted them too. That’s me being honest. I lived for the night. The nights  then allowed me to hide. Doing the most damaged when I’d drank alone. Not wanting to be around anyone or anything. Thinking back he probably found me at the right time. I personally think he should’ve kept walking. To this day I don’t feel like I deserve him. He’s the one good thing the never left no matter how much I pushed. Trust me. Many times and opportunities did I have to push. So over and over I pushed. Days, I’m unable to accepted that I deserve something this good. He stayed. Still stays. I don’t understand why. But here he still stays. 

Thinking and thinking. I willing allow myself to think about bad thoughts. Insanity and I blame only myself. The most insane outcomes possible. Never in a millions years going to happen possible. Yet, I obsess over them. Trying to understand every angle so that I can best prepare myself for the outcome. No matter how far fetched the outcome would be. Never giving the positive outcomes a fighting chance. Thinking has drove me to some very dark places. There’s no light in there. Writings have helped me to climb back out once I’ve slipped from my thoughts pushing back in. My hope is that one day all this thinking will be better managed by me. Only I’m the one who can make the change. Only I’m going to be able to actually see. It’s a mindset. My sponsor told me early in my journey that FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS. Just because your mind is convincing you to feel a certain way about something doesn’t mean it’s actually happening. 

Your mind can play jokes on you. At least for me, many of the jokes just aren’t funny anymore.