April 16th, 2024

Things that make me feel good. People who feed my heart and calm my mind. I’m attached to the feelings that make me smile. To the point of board line obsessive. Maybe a stalker in a few past cases.  Present cases even. It’s hard to put everything I have into everything I do. I take it too far and risk everything just for it to fall apart. People learn that I’m different and they walk. Nothing works out the way I believe and I’m crushed. I’ve lost 2 hours to a whole day. Struggling trying to find some acceptance. Acceptance that I can’t predict the future or better yet even control the outcomes. I’m too attached to my feelings. I love too much with my heart. No matter how many times over and over I speak the words fuck it, who cares. Waiting for the waves to crash and the happiness to end. The loss of love and the pain of regret. The moves I second guessed on or the answers that came with hesitation. Too attached. I’m trapped inside a mind with words I need to type. Searching sometimes for days until I find the right ones. The right ones that free my mind and settle the thoughts. Too attached. Be calm and be still. Yet my skin is crawling and I can’t sit still. Pissed off and I’m angry. I knew this was a possibility so why am I upset? It use to be good to put hopes and wants out there. Like wishes. Some wishes just don’t come true. No matter how hard you wish. Could wishing be a form of prayer?

Attached to good feelings which is why I believe I continued chasing a drink. 20 years of running. Running after the feeling of that first drink. The one that brought me to life and out of the shadows. That feeling used to be completely unattainable without those first few drinks. Attached to good feelings and a few bad ones. The bad feelings bring me a sense of normalcy on days I lose myself. Familiarity. I craved the bad feelings just to prove myself right. Believing I deserved every one of them. Every one. I kept myself in this place of sadness. Misery. Believed for years I deserve this life that’s filled with anger and rage. Outside I used to smile as I try to quietly win the war that’s raging inside me. I’m perfect I’m fine. I’m better than that and better than this. There’s this video that said “You can refuse to be another person who’s abandons you.” Hearing this hit me in a different kinda way. Why I am so quickly ready to give up on myself? I have an ability to be the person I needed when I was little. Attached to good feelings. They gave me something to look forward to. Something to be excited about.

Addicted to love and friendship. Addictive yet in the most beautiful way. I love that I love hard and I care almost to be point it may become suffocating. But you’ll never say I wasn’t there. That I didn’t try and I didn’t care. The hard let downs I get from putting my hopes too high. Hopes are smashed and the let down sets in. I’m getting better at dealing with the disappointments and not completely tearing myself down in the process. Realizing that if something doesn’t happen on my terms it doesn’t mean it won’t happen at all. Some days are better than others but when the good start to out weigh the bad you’re doing something right. I’ll never change this part of me. Becoming too attached to the good feelings. I love it and I hate it at the same time. I remember a time when I had no dreams, no wishes, no hopes.. But I’m pretty sure I no longer want to live like that. What a sad life I lived. Today I am okay. Let’s take the good feelings into tomorrow and see what happens.