April 26th, 2024

Monday I spoke. For a meeting that was packed this faces I knew and faces I didn’t. I was proud of myself from going from this person who’d say I’ll never speak period. To speaking at a meeting that’s packed most Monday with upwards of 40+. The adrenaline going through me. My anxiety was entirely too high. I got to the meeting and I settled. I was ready. I had it. My message was received well and I hope that it helped at least one person get another day. The high from this adrenaline left me shaking when I was through speaking. The high stayed with me through Tuesday. As I spent the day reflecting the night before. I expect the next day to be the same as the day before. Realizing this train of thought is hurting me. Mentally and with my sobriety.

Wednesday was a sad day. I didn’t have a reason why. I just felt sad. That feeling when crying would help but your pride won’t let you.  I’m still in this mindset that crying makes me look weak. Until I get home and fall apart in his arms because he’s the only one I allow to see my weak moments. His been by my side through so many of them. To just cry at random even though there’s a reason you just can’t see it. But you feel it. 

Wednesday the sadness led me to thoughts of a drink. I’m lying to everyone. Because I subconsciously wanted a drink. Any drink. Not the extra shit that gets brought along with it. Just the drink.  To put into words if it was put in front of me in that day I’d end up hesitating before I pushed it away. 

Maybe I didn’t want the drink I just wanted the sadness to leave me. So then it did. The sadness turned to anger. These thoughts. I’m wrong. This is all wrong. My mind after all this inner dialogue begins to race. The obsession takes over and well of you been here before you know the drill.  Mentally I begin to obsess and everything crashes. Falling from so high up. When you’re in the high you never think it’ll end. You could spend days there. Feeding off the memories from the nights before they day after. Until one morning you wake up and there’s a sadness. Questioning how and why. When you crash the sadness has you wanting to just burn it all down. Anything to just have the sadness stop. Still searching for the reason or cause. You probably don’t have one. At least I don’t think I ever do. 

Go to a meeting. But I didn’t want to go. You love that meeting.  Yeah, so? I just don’t want to go. If I go I have to share and if I share everyone will know. Know that I have these thoughts of a drinking. Missing that drink. Letting everyone down. I’m a failure. 

But something pretty cool happens. I’m willing and open. Words come out and it feels get better. I leave the meeting better mentally than I was before I entered. 

I trust the people close to me. The people that don’t let me settle. Those who check on me when I fall silent. Claiming I have nothing to say when the truth is there’s too much to say. Too many words are running around trying to form a solid thought. 

Lastly, someone told recently that thinking of a drink is just that… a thought. It’s what you do with the thought that matters. Grateful I was able to make the right choice. Learning how do deal with emotions in sobriety is tough. I use to use alcohol to numb everything. Feel bad. Drink. Feel good. Drink. Made a mistake. Drink. Win an award. Drink. Drinking was so wrapped up in my life. Every reason. Every feeling. Good or Bad. Was a reason good enough to drink. The red flags were everywhere Wednesday. I’m glad I listened to the people who told me to go to the meeting. It got me through the day still sober. 

Friday, Today the mood continued. The hopelessness of not know or being able to explain the feelings I feel. Excited because of the new additions to our little family. The adrenaline of this week has effected me in ways I couldn’t have seen coming. Searching for the reasons behind the tears that fell again today. This is years worth of pain. Years of holding everything in. Too afraid to speak of the darkness that was growing and spreading like wild fire within me. This to shall pass. I need to work on having more of a willingness to accept that everything will pass and I will be better for it. Accepting that God has me. I may not agree with what he chooses to place before me. But I need to accept he has given me the tools to overcome them. I believe the questions I seek answers for are given to me in the words spoken by the people close to me. Their words have pulled me back into the light and given me hope that when the darkness of life comes I will be alright. They got me. I’m so incredibly lucky to have this outlet to share what goes on in my mind. I’m grateful for anyone who’s ever read something I’ve written. You’ve helped me far more than you could ever imagine.