April 30th, 2024

Britannica Dictionary definition of OVERSTIMULATE. [+ object] : to cause (someone or something) to become too active or excited 

“Common symptoms of overstimulation include irritability, stress, agitation, insomnia, loss of focus, overwhelming feelings and thoughts, and anxiety,” Hoang says. “It may be difficult to block out or ignore sensory input. One may experience uncomfortable feelings in the body.”

No one wants to talk about growing up in a non affectionate household and having to learn how to accepted affection, love and care from people/things without getting overstimulated. Feeling things a little deeper and probably caring a little more than I should. If history is doomed to repeat itself, this time I’ll be ready. All the while contemplating if people are genuinely being sincere or if it’s part of a hidden agenda. They say our bodies have an ability to feel feelings from a memory. Even if we, with our complex minds, cannot remember the memory. This leads us to respond in certain ways when we are faced with similar situations in life. I believe this is where flight or fight mode comes from. I’m always looking for a fight if I feel as if I’m being threatened or being played out to be made fool. This would describe my impulsive behaviors. Impulsive reactions. I’m so quick to react and respond. Most of the time this is done from a place of frustration and a maybe anger. Not every action deserves a reaction. I no longer have that crutch to self medicate. Using alcohol to quiet the thoughts and relax the emotions. Relax? More like numb. Every single one.

I’ve been this way for so long it’s hard to remember a time when I didn’t think this way. Trying to take people at their words and not place judgement upon people who do not deserve it. I struggle with my emotions. It’s easy for me to hide behind this MacBook and type away. Knowing I’ll never have to look you in the face if you do care to read it. I trust the people I trust. If you have to question if this is you then it’s probably not. The lows and highs emotionally in sobriety is a struggle I’m sure I am not the only one who faces. Wanting to rewind and replay days where the love and good vibrations are never ending. You feel it in a way and you trust it. Roll with it and just let shit go. It’s nothing like the lows when old you is waiting for a chance to work its way back in. Coming back to the surface. Poisoning your mentality and leaving you open and raw. You start to second guess everything and everyone. It happens so fast you try to balance between I got this and I need help.

“I’m okay” is a respond often given when the look on your face doesn’t fool anyone around you. Over and over that question is asked. “Are you okay?” Your answer remains the same because you truly believe you are okay. You don’t want that drink. You’re not 100% okay but you don’t know a way to describe what you are feeling. The people. Your People. Knew something was up the minute you walked in. It’s written on your face and it’s behind the hug that lingered a few seconds longer than it should’ve. Tell them how happiness probably isn’t the best word to choose.. but sadness is not what you’re feeling either. Talk about it when this happens. If not, you may find yourself reverting back to an outdated version of you. You’ll start to realize how much of your happiness is made by others. Depending on a person to respond with a text to remind you they were thinking of you. Something to get you through to the next moment. Waiting for a friend to walk into a room just to see if their face lights up, like they light up your soul. Searching him to see if he forgives you for the heart aches. Only to be left wondering because you told him you’d never ask. Searching for something to make you feel that you are noticed and would be missed if you were gone.

My mind goes to some dark places. I know and I am aware of the love that surrounds me today. It’s buried deep under all the intrusive thoughts but it’s there. Lows days its hard to silence a scrambled mind. My mind is tricked and maybe is forced to believe things are real. That fairytale nightmare reality is my actual reality. Because I obsess. Over every a little mood swing or energy shift in you as people. Did you really mean what you said when you said it?

My god has got me. I want to become stronger spiritually… faith and know the that no matter what happens in my life and no matter who comes and who goes…. I will be okay. I have courage today to face the fears that once scared me. Without a bottle and handful of pills. I have people in my life I know give a shit about me. They care just because they can. No shady motives or jealousy. I have found my faith in the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. I have found some of the best people. I am overstimulated by them and their love for me. I 100 % could become a stalker if pushed far enough to the over the limit. I say that with a little laugh and a smile. Because the people who know, know. When the world is against us you don’t have to wonder where you’ll find me.

I got you. you got me. PROMISE.