MAY 11TH, 2024

“If you actually let me finish a sentence, you might learn something! You might learn we’re not so different. You might even learn something about yourself.”

– The Joker

I type today to release something I’m not quite sure of yet. Yesterday and today I’ve struggle with processing the things I can change and searching for the wisdom to accept the things I cannot. This entry will be all over the place. I’ll try my best to not jump back and worth between this and that. Try to stay with me as I work through things that seem to be waiting to spill out of me through these fingers. 

I’ve always found the easiness of just typing or writing words down. Without fear because I was in control of who saw the raw version of me. There’s a difference found in these writings, from the play I put on to impress you. I’m complacent today with my sobriety. I’ve settled in the rhythm of staying sober. I attend meetings, up until recently, quite regularly. I talk to two, maybe three alcoholics daily. I get in service when my schedule will allow it. Yet something inside me doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough. I know people reading this will talk about the big book. Bring up the steps and how they’ll help me deal with all of this. Help me to begin to deal with life as a sober individual. I cannot argue that fact that they are probably correct. Their experiences and advice have helped me get this far in my sobriety. But I cannot bring myself to take this advice. I cannot willingly pick up any book. I don’t have an excuse or at least a good one. I simply just don’t want to.

From the very beginning I’ve been honest in my thoughts about the literature side. I gave it a shot in those first few months. But nothing ever stuck. Except chapter 4. I heart chapter 4. I sit here saying this and saying that yet I’ve never actually read the book in its entirety. So, I have no one to blame but myself. I’m passing judgement again on what I think I know instead actually finding out. I know a little about myself to you when something isn’t right for me. Too bad in the beginning I didn’t realize where a drink would take me. This is not a piece of me simply badgering myself. I am fully aware of the person I’m growing out of. I’m in love with the person I am growing into.  I have grown in places I never would’ve thought were possible. Most days I’m able to see the image in the mirror that people see when they look at me. Recently I don’t think I’ve been the greatest friend. So focused on myself it’s like I forgot their people who need me just as much as I need them. I apologize. I will be better. I promise.

The serenity I get from them and their innocence. The funny things they do with no knowledge that they’re actually doing it. The simplest things bring them so much joy. Like a string or plastic spring. They have no idea the amount of love they have filled me with. When everything is wrong they remind me of the good in life. I’m so very grateful I have them. That I get to take care of them. They’re my 4 legged best friends. 

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is difficult for me. I do not have a relationship with my own mother. I haven’t spoken to her in many years. An actual conversation in about 20 years. A conversation with meaning and an actual purpose. A conversation that doesn’t end in hurtful words and angry voices. Funny thing about trauma. We are responsible for healing from the trauma that we did not cause. AA has brought to light things in situations, in certain moments that I have made worse. I acted on impulse because I felt threatened. I was scared of being hurt again like the times before. To take her at her word. Just for her to turn around and do the opposite. All because I’m difficult to love or that I don’t march to  the beat she plays. As I travel deeper down this path of sobriety these moments seem to always stop me in my tracks. Moments of feelings. Feeling emotional. Like I’m struck with this frustration towards myself. All the birthdays and holidays that I left the texts unanswered because pushing away was easier than dealing with feelings. Hurt feelings. When the texts stopped coming I felt a sense of relief like I was finally free. 

But now as I get older I’m left to wonder if it’s really worth it anymore. The anger and frustration I have for her. This is not me saying please come back into my life because now I forgive you. Far from it. Maybe it is time however to let the anger go. I’m not the same 18 year old kid. Maybe she’s changed as well? So much energy I waste on times like this. Minutes spend with a racing mind hoping a single thought won’t slip in and keep me stuck here for days. It’s easy for me to sit here typing away about how I am going to change my mindset and let go of hatred I hold deeply for her. Admitting I’m ready to start to let go is growth. I don’t want to spend anymore energy on something that is no longer benefiting me. 

I haven’t been to many meetings in these last 2 weeks. A meeting here a meeting there. I’ve had opportunities of course but no willingness to. Thinking I’ll be fine if I just keep working. Which I have and will continue into this coming week. I feel as if now I have become complacent. AGAIN. But a drink pops in and pops out just that fast. But I’m okay. Move past it and not let it settle. Not wanting to worry anyone. I isolate. Speak when spoken too. Afraid I may say too much. You’ll start to worry and there goes my cover. Along with your good day and mood. I don’t say much because I’m too nervous I might become the reason your day is ruined. I feel like I’m in the begin month of sobriety again. Afraid to ask so I slowly back away, back into the darkness. Trying so hard to transform my mindset. I’m not like the people around me. I can’t wake up and know I’m going to have a good day. I have to pray about it. Talk to my higher power and ask for grace. Ask for wisdom through adversity. I’m not perfect yet my ego still believes I am. I never relied much on a higher power or even had one to speak to before this journey to a sober me. I feel like my faith is slipping. I’m trying to find a grip. I turn to you because that’s what I was told to do. I pray. Just give me a chance to accept the guidance I need. Give a chance to prove how much more stronger I can be through adversity. Please give me all you got.  I’m going to need everything to make it through this coming week.