May 24th, 2024

“My dark days made me stronger. Or maybe I already was strong, and they made me prove it.” — Emery Lord

How can you love someone and learn to let them go?

You were such an important part of me. I’ve held onto so much hurt and anger that letting it go I’ll end up losing a part of me. Forgiving you is what is best for me. ….So I did. Forgiving me is what I need to do for me. So I did ….again. But it truly still bothers me that you never responded. Still angry. Maybe hurt. To that letter I wrote. I said it all and made my peace. Well I thought I did… Everyday is different though. Different challenges. Different obstacles. Still, there was no return envelope tho. I check the box for days. Prayed and looked for signs. Guess you thought that’s what was best for you. For you not to respond. I’ve come to a conclusion that maybe you are done with me. Done with this. Said goodbye one too many times. I never understood why it’s even called goodbye. This very moment it feels like forever. That’s why it’s hard to let go and have hope that one day things may be different. The Anger… Pain…. Sadness.. the Resentments. There’s broken piece of you inside of me. A part of me that might never heal. 

Why did I leave? But you watched me walk. Guess the addiction already controlled your life. Can’t nor do I want to go back to change it. Where do I go from here? I can’t let go of the pain. No matters whose fault it falls under. The pain reminds me it was real. So if the pain heals I’ll forget what it feels like to miss you. Will I even be able to miss you without the anger or rage it seems to stir up? I don’t think I’m ready to stop missing you. It was you who kept me up when everything and everyone kept beating me down. Everything has changed now. We are two different people and have two different lives. Maybe it is time to just forget it. You clearly don’t give shit. Maybe it’s time I stop as well. If you only knew how many times I’ve tried. You know I prayed for you? My hope is that he’s looking out for you too.

Someone told me tonight that I’m grieving a relationship that no longer exists. But it does exist inside my mind. The memories of good times. Back before things got skewed and I forgot me. Everything around me. Alcohol. Drugs. Fake Love. Fake Friends…. were in charge of my life. I used to think I didn’t care if you existed in my life. Alcohol and drugs had me talking all types of shit. None of it was true and today I can’t remember any of what I even said. I want to move on. Try to at least be to accept that you may never again darkness my shadow on a sunny days. I need to be okay with no more jokes and no more laughter. You were always a better person than me. Those who know us know this. I’m not saying I don’t believe I have good in me. Just realizing I could’ve done better. We are both at fault for this broken relationship it seems like only I am trying to mend. Guess I finally know, after years, how you felt. What’s crazy is I don’t never know if I’m ready to answer the phone if it rings and you call. Yet I’m sitting here dying a little on the inside because I don’t have you in my life. So maybe it is for the best that you didn’t respond and that you believe your life is better without me. We both have to do what’s best for us. I certainly at one point thought that. Truth is I don’t remember how to be your sister. Being on my own alone for so many years. I only have me probably to blame for that one. I suck at being apart of anything the resembles a family setting. That last sentence isn’t exactly truth… I’m just currently looking at it from a different point of view. 

I’m sober and I’m alive. I’m a great girlfriend and amazing friend. I’m a mommy to the best two kittens.  I just get so focused on the negative sometimes it literally intoxicates me. I thought that when I gave up drinking all this would disappear. That it was the reason I felt like I never had control of my own life. I tried so hard to control the things around me that I never had a grip on my own shit. I just guess I’m starting to realize that 10 months into this journey that I was the problem. Alcohol just amplified it all.