6/14/24

“To other people, it sometimes seems like nothing at all. You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames.”
― Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive

I hate that this one thing always bothers me like it does.

How do I put into words what seems to be scattered inside my head?

Hold on for a second.

Just wait it will come.

I know ridiculous and idiotic what I am about to say may sound.

Still, I must pick up this MacBook and just type….

A battle with myself,

My heart knows these are lies,

I hate when I get like this.

Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong.

No happiness from within.

Well, this would be the outcome.

Today was a good day.

It was filled with love and laughter.

Yet I sit here behind this screen typing.

Trying to process feelings.

These feelings are hard to shake.

I know I am loved and the I matter.

I just have this days when I think it was never the alcohol.

I was just maybe built this way.

I find it hard to believe some days.

That there are people out there who have thoughts like me. 

Or is it possible that everyones mind just doesn’t stop?

I’m rambling on just to by some time.

I need to say what I came here to say..

I’m learning day after day… more and more

My problem with alcohol was just the beginning

Peeling back layer after layer.

So many years of masking pain. 

Covering up emotions

Drowning the feelings

I’m good at pretending still here in sobriety.

Maybe pretending is not the right word but it’s a word that seems to fit.

Almost like there’s 2 versions of me.

I’m outgoing and engaging.

Because I’m too afraid that if I’m not the brightest light in the room.

No one word even see me or know that I exist.

So I accept that I will be uncomfortable.

Because being uncomfortable in that moment

Is far less scary than not being in the moment at all.

So I have trouble believing the people who say I inspire

If they only knew how many times a day I have to remind myself

YOU ARE OKAY.

It be like that sometimes.

When there is no big text conversation for me in be in

I start to think maybe everyone must have forgotten about me

These are all lies my disease is using to suck me back in

It’ll take everything if I let it.

All it needs is a crack in the door and it’ll bust right in

Scared of what life will become if I willing let the door open.

You know let it come in

Sit down and have bite to eat.

I don’t want a drink today

Please let me stop you before that is what you begin to think

I’m just exhausted after a whole day of just thinking

I need to get something out so I chose to type

I needed to focus everything on these words

I needed to feel the keys and my fingertips slide across the keyboard

I just needed to recenter myself

And maybe say a little about what my mind is thinking

I realized I did not speak this morning.

A prayer as some may call it

At what point did my mind start believing

that this was the cause of a day filled with racing thoughts.

Searching for a title to this entry.

How do I title something that feels disconnected?