6/21/24

Barely holdin’ on
This life get scary as it goes on
Burdens while we carry on
I ain’t perfect, spare me if I’m wrong

-Polo G (Barely Holdin’ on)

These last 3 days have been up and down. 

Wednesday achievement. 11 months. Searching for a reason to why joy did not find me 11 months sober like it had months before. Processing emotions and dealing with feelings. Struggling to just find some sort of balance. Will I make it 30 days? When the months turn to a year. I know what people who read this will say. Stay in today. Just get another 24 hrs. I’m a planner and I’ve pictured this since my journey began. God willing. Where do I go then? When there isn’t a little mini celebration for me every 30 days. No shiny coin. Everyday I am a winner as long as I don’t pick up that first drink. When I’m tested as to how bad I want this. How much I’ve grown will be tested. I’m not the same person I was. Just sitting behind this screen typing. Courageous enough to click post when I’m finish and it’s been reread 30 different times. I struggled on  Wednesday unsure and confused as to why it didn’t feel any different. It didn’t feel special or monumental. Just a regular day that happened to be June 19th and happened to be 11 months since I chose to no longer drink. But I got through it with the people around me. Still unsure and searching. I prayed that Thursday the mental war I had going on inside my head from Wednesday wouldn’t spill over. 

Thursday was okay. Not good not bad. Okay. I felt disconnected. Like something was missing. I didn’t talk to anyone really. No conversations formed  any type of meaningful substance. I threw myself into my job and eventually the hours wiped away and the shift was over. Mentally my mind didn’t stop. Thinking thoughts of nothing positivity. Thoughts of drinks. A lot of drinks. Not wanting to drink those drinks but let’s be honest here. The thoughts were there. I don’t know why but mentally I did not feel as strong.  I know where drinking will lead. I’m aware and observant. All it starts is one. Someone asked me on Wednesday if I was okay knowing that I can no longer drink? This followed me into Thursday. The replaying of that question. Truth is I don’t know. I don’t know if I am and I’m honest enough with my sobriety to admit that. I don’t want to drink today. That’s all I do know. I realized that if I pick up all of this disappears as fast as it and they, came into my life. So Thursday was spent inside, internally just trying to processing thoughts. Knowing my people are there for me with a helping ear and kind heart. I just needed to form the right words before I spoke something all over the place. Instead of words as disconnected as I felt. I got word a friend was in a car accident. Wrapped around a pole. He’s alive. Mentally crushed. But he’s alive. 

Friday. I spend most of Friday planning on how I’d get through him dying and doing that without a drink. See this person is intertwine into my journey of sobriety. Reason I found the rooms. Who knows if I would’ve made it here had it not been for the willingness to stand by me as I walked into that first room. I feel as if I owe him so much for all this. I didn’t realize the feelings I’m feeling are mostly those of guilt. Someone told me that last night and it never dawned on me how right they might be. I’ll argue that this wasn’t part of the plan. This wasn’t how it was all suppose to be. The friend I know today is not the same person who took me to that first AA meeting. That friend was suppose to be next me today and not on the outside. I’ll have one year of sobriety next month god willing. They’re suppose to be here with me. Why was I lucky enough to grasp AA and this program? Yet the person whose sobriety made me want to embrace my own as strong as I did… no longer apart of these rooms. Went back out and I understand why they say you might not make it back. I’ve been praying for this person. Hoping like hell he finds his way. I’m a friend that won’t sugar coat anything. I’m honest and I’ll always be honest with you. Just know I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping I, at some point get a chance to give back what you gave to me…. A hand. Finished the night with a meeting. One I desperately needed. Hearing a friend’s story was inspiring. Pie before the meeting with a friend. Just needed to vent.

Which brings us to today.. Trying to be a good friend. Wanting to fix everything. If people just do what they’re suppose to do. Mentally having conversations because I know what’s best for them. How self centered am I? I’ve never had a DUI or been to a rehab yet I’m still assuming that I know what’s best. I am truly delusional. Watch as I move people. Try to control them like pieces on a chess board. I don’t know where I get off thinking I know what’s best. I don’t even know what’s best for me some days. I don’t know how to feel today. Feelings of disconnect still present. Like I lost something. What’s missing? Is anything missing? I don’t want to carry the guilt. I believe it will become too heavy to carry. I’m the best I’ve been in my life today. Regardless of where I am mentally. I didn’t drink today. I have a service commitment tonight. Thinking that might be just what I need. I don’t know what will be in the cards for tomorrow. I just need to bring myself into today. 24 hours. I get so focused on next week and I allow my mind to race. I know what I’m suppose to do yet I stumble into these periods where it’s difficult to just… Calm down. Relax and breathe. To stay in TODAY.