6/23/24

It’s like I’m viewing myself from the outside. As the vision turns inward I’m left with a scary sight. Fear over takes me and I begin to feel nauseous. I’m faced with the anxious version of myself. A version I feel I’m on a constant run away from. Don’t believe the thoughts as my mind races. Gripping my feelings tighter as random thoughts pull on them even harder. Nothing is fact and it’s all make believe yet down the rabbit hole I follow as if I haven’t done this one too many times before. 

I don’t feel happy. That’s obvious. But I’m not sad either. Which by the look plastered on my face I can see why that last sentence maybe hard for someone to believe. I don’t know what I feel right now so I pretend to feel nothing. That is what’s making this thoughts even more deadly. Everything is okay. I’m alright. Watch I as begin to fall back into a pattern. Don’t worry… yes I swear  I’m fine. Wanting to be alone yet not have it seem lonely. So I begin to only speak when spoken too. I sit with myself. Just me inside my own head. How I am to even begin to understand what’s the root of the issue if I’m trying to always side step it?  Realizing mentally I might not be okay today. Even if at the end of day I still haven’t drank. A head that’s telling me you’ve must have done something. Where did you go wrong? You must’ve made another mistake. Quickly I begin to overanalyze every little thing. Are you really surprised? Look at the history. The happiness. The peace or what I’m calling peace….It wouldn’t last long. You’ve should’ve know shadows were coming. This is what I’m telling myself as I search for you to just tell me “you’re going to be okay kid”. I look back over my shoulder as the dark clouds move closer towards me. I stop to think how many days this time am I going to allow this to continue. I’m trying to stop. Pause. I just need to breathe

To think this whole thing started with a simple thought. Thoughts, because there’s never just one,I followed willingly down to see where it might lead me. It spirals til I’m mentally at the bottom. I look up thinking how did I even get down here. Delusional thoughts are tricking. Intrusive ones play a risky game. It’s hard to decipher real from fake. I stay believing the lies because that’s what seems more real to me. Just for today. Right now anyways. I don’t understand how many times someone has to tell me things before I actually believe them. I think thoughts all the time that I was meant to walk alone. Be by myself. But that would be pretty lonely after a while I think. That’s probably not the healthiest place for me.  I’ve spent enough of this life in darkness. It’s familiar to me. It brings with it a sense of relief. I am well aware of how mental I maybe sounding to a few of you probably. One sentence I’m wondering how I got back down here yet again and in the next I’m relieved that I’m here.  

I’ll state…I miss the chaos and in the next breath pray for peace of mind. I’m mentally exhausted. I torture the shit out of myself. Back and forth maybe something is truly wrong with me. I mean outside my alcoholism and the drugs I used to take. Before a drink cured everything and thoughts didn’t cause my mind to race. I was messed up back then but I feel like no one ever wondered or could even see. All the mixed up issues I had deep down inside of me. If you’re reading this maybe then you’ll be able to see just where a day of thinking can lead me. 

I never talked this much about my thoughts or what I am feeling before this blog. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes keep a few of them still inside. Still a little guarded. Possibly nervous of what you think. I laugh at myself as I’m watching all of this unfold. Because I knew this would happen. The second the thoughts come. Down the rabbit hole I go. I’m chasing perfection still knowing I’ll never catch it. Yet I still run towards it all the while knowing myself is who I’m truly running from.