6/26/24

“Close friends are truly life’s treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone.”
— Vincent van Gogh

I love the sunny days after a rain storm. I mean that metaphorically. Something lighter. In better spirits. A storm will eventually run out of rain. You just have to find the people willing to stand in it with you. 

I thought very early in my sobriety that I really didn’t have any friends before I found the rooms of AA. Sure there was a select few that stuck but for the most part no one of any consistency. This thought has resurfaced these past few days. Growing up I always thought my value was shown in the amount of friends I had. The amount of people who knew who I was. This belief has followed me into adulthood. I believe it might even feed my ego if I’m being totally honest. Look at me I’m finalIy popular. All this I’m guessing maybe, might be from residual trauma from having no friends growing up, being bullied and left out of everything fun. People in AA have shown me the true meaning of friendship. Today 5 out of the 6 text threads pinned in messages are AA. I’m realizing why I always felt like I never fit in and how I always tried to be something for someone else. That all changed the day I found my people. I found these people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

I’ve heard people say in meetings about AA doing more for them than their own family ever has. More than anyone has in their lives. There’s so much truth to this statement. There’s 3pm friends and 3am friends. Most people at 3pm you can’t or won’t call at 3am. You have your reasons and you know the people. That call you make at 3am those are your people. Pretty sure I’ve said that before in a previous post. But it is true and I believe it. 

Coming from someone who has 2 sister, mother and father. I haven’t spoken to my father in over 10 years probably longer. My mother it’s been even longer. My sisters have been hit or miss. The one sister… nothing. The other it feels forced most of the time. Like she has to speak to me because like myself I am the only one from our immediate family she speaks with. I’m saying all this to give you some background. Hopefully to help you begin to understand why family and the feelings you get from family I sometimes struggle with. What started off as a choice for seemed to grow into something permanent. Honestly I used to be okay with this but… there’s resentments and it’s messy. Something I’m trying to work on. For the last 10 years My boyfriend has been my family. We have two kids with fur and 4 legs. I’ve consider his family my family and I love them as such. Even with everything I put him through in my drinking. All the blackouts and fights I picked. I was low key hurting and didn’t know how to express it any other way but to drink. Using alcoholic to fill a void left behind from the countless people who walked out who swore they’d stay. Now I’ve already told you 10 years this man has loved me. Has done nothing wrong and yet I still chose to pick up and treat him as if he was like everyone else. But he isn’t and never was. I love you forever. 

AA has created for me this family of friends. Filled with support and love. There aren’t enough lines on this page or words in the dictionary for me to even begin to explain the impact they’ve made on me. People who just show up for me in every way I needed. Psychically. Emotionally. Prayed for me before I even prayed for myself. AA taught me a lot. You guys are my heroes. So strong. So brave. They’ve not only have made me a better friend but an even better person. They’ve shown me that you don’t need anything in return to be a good fucking person. The importance of being accountable. 11 months and its feels like a life time. I’m emotional when speaking about my friends today. I’ve lost enough friends to know if you love them tell me. That one good bye might just be the last good bye you’re able to give them. You don’t know when it’ll come. No one does. The kid in me is beginning to heal and it’s their love that’s playing a part in it. I love y’all on everything. Yes you. You know who you are. Thank you for being you and allowing me to be me. I understand that some days I may not be the easiest person to be friends with. Just know that even on those days I’m still extremely grateful to be able to call you my friend.