7/15/24

I need to get this out to remind myself how far I’ve come. To not be suede by someone else’s version of me. Everyone thinks they know everyone these days. To be strong and stand with confidence. To know it’s okay not be the greatest in the room because the people in the room think I’m pretty great. Learning to trust myself when guilt from the past makes me second guess. I’m not oblivious to the way my mind works. I know when I become so focused on a particular thing I lose sense of the day around me. The comparison I make of myself to other people is outrageous. Judging… like I have any right. But trust me it happens in the worse way.

BEFORE ME…..

I am a manipulator.

I’m a user who will emotionally abuse you.

I’ll take advantage of you because you got it better than me.

Look at me. Feel bad for me. I had a fucked up life.

Keeping it hush hush on how much of my life I was the one who fucked up.

I’ll walk back on promises. Hurt and caused chaos.

Broken promises to broken dreams

I broken everything willingly around me.

If this was my life I’m gonna fucking burn it to the ground.

Forcing you to leave just be able to say look someone again left me

Secretly hoping someone… anyone, would see me and stay anyways.

I’d say we were friends just to give it some sort of title.

Friends with you til I found someone better. I talk a bunch of shit just to make me feel better about the fucked up friend I actually was becoming.

Making excuses. You see my behavior just wasn’t my fault.

I am sorry but not. Saying it just so you ain’t mad at me.

My childhood and how I was raised up. Lips zipped to anyone who would just try to understand.

I am cold. There’s an emptiness where my heart use to be.

I am a lair.

I am selfish.

I am self center.

I never gave a shit.

I’ll break your heart. Forcing you to feel the pain I feel

A lost soul. Confused. Alone. 

 

AFTER ME….

But these days though…

I am an alcoholic. 

I am sober.

I am confident person who still gets nervous.

I am an anxious person but I’m learning

I am a great friend because I want to be.

I show up for people and actually want to be there.

I am accountable.

I have self awareness. I care that I fucked up and I honestly never mean too.

When I apologize nowadays I actually mean it.

I listen to people when they talk.

Listen to hear and not just respond.

I want to inspire people today. I believe that you believe I inspire you.

I try to give more than I take.

I love today more and hate a little less

I search for peace today even though some days it’s a struggle

I am grateful and kind. 

I want people to know me today for the right reasons

I still compare myself to other people. It’s a defect. I’m working on it. 

I still judge people. Again though I’m working on it. 

I have self awareness today that is truly a game changer. One of the best things A.A. and my sobriety have given me. 

I am open to sharing what I’m feeling. In the right setting at the right time. 

I am proud of me. 

I am okay today. Even on the not so great days.

Everyday I say life happens I will be alright.

Life in sobriety has had its ups and downs. I don’t doubt this trend will continue the more I progress on this journey. I don’t want to forget the past and the person I used to be. I don’t want to live in the memory either. But I no longer want to feel sorry for the things I may have said or did. That’s the most important to me. I work dealing on acceptance daily. I am work in progress. Accepting that I’m allowed to make mistakes and not be perfect. Some might say why write a blog with such negative things about yourself? I can understand that. To that I’d answer… I never want to forget myself before I accepted I am an alcoholic and my life was unmanageable. Because I never want to be that person again. I cannot handle my alcohol. I have a disease and it turns me into a monster of a person. I never want to forget that’s who I will become, so quickly again, if I decide to try and handle it one more time.