7/23/24

Just sit with me. Be Calm. Still. Help me as I attack each day with the same clear head that I used the day before. To protect myself against the thoughts that have motivates to lead me back to a drink. Thoughts never seem to find me broken lost and alone. They come at  me when I’m clear headed comfortable in my own skin. On the good days when the sun is shining. I’m thankful in this moment that I have a higher power to believe in. Let’s just take a moment to stop and reread that last sentence. Because a year ago I never would’ve imagined something like that would come through the fingers I use to type. I find the signs… The signs that lead me back into today. The coincidences that become too many to justify. Most days I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. I pray and hope. Give thanks and acknowledgement. But spiritually I feel like there’s still some disconnect. God’s will not mine. I believe but I’m still struggling to put everything into it. To give it all away and to trust that I won’t end up back where I’m growing from. To honestly let go of everything because my god has me.

 I watch my life. Seeing my higher power acting through others around me. I need time to process thoughts on days when I have nothing going on. Learning that I’m okay even at the quiet moments of my day. Decipher between the good and the ugly. Reminding myself that I am okay even if the voice of my alcoholism tries to convince me otherwise. Subconsciously with the anxious thoughts I sit here typing this and I don’t feel like I’m actually saying anything. I don’t feel there’s a message hidden behind the words you’re currently reading. But still I type because something in me needed to write. Saying anything in hopes the thoughts I’m thinking get out of my head and onto the page. I don’t know what to say to the persons who don’t have a higher power. I was one of them though when I walked into these rooms over a year ago. Forced into Sunday school and Summer bible camps as a child. Forced by parents who did not live by what they were hearing on Sunday mornings. I had a preexisting notion of a god that is different than what l chose to believe today. Early I blamed god for everything that went wrong in my life. Not realizing or being able to admit how much I played in the out come. As a child I didn’t not have a choice. I was angry because everyone around me seemed to be blessed with a better situation. A better upbringing. Better parents. Parents with more money to buy nice shoes and better toys at Christmas. Was I really that ungrateful? Even back then as a small child? Now I can see at least I had a roof over a my head and food in my stomach. At least I had family who, in their own twisted way, said they loved me. The things I went through when I was young and the situations I had no business being in defined the outcome I accepted to be my life. I didn’t know there was another way. I found another way through this program of AA and my higher power. I thought the people who believed in god were insane and delusional. Never would I have thought that they were the ones winning in life all because they chose to believe in something bigger than you and me. 

As a lost misguided 18 year old I thought my life was over. This was how things were going to be never having being taught that my life was mine and I could change it at any moment. I always wanted better for myself mentally. To not put so much thought into the people who behind my back judged and criticized me. I just didn’t know how to be better if that makes sense. To not care what the people around me thought because I was comfortable enough just being me. Programmed with a thought that a drink will fix everything. I can not sit here and say that it didn’t. At least for a period of time. But when the alcohol dissolved the problems still remained. 

I feel that’s why I have a hard time sitting with myself. Peace is what they call it. There’s no problems that need to be fixed because I’ve already started to fix the main problem. That problem is me. Doing nothing and not having a feeling of laziness. So use to being on the go and always having to be doing something. Conflicted decisions. I have so many things I want to do in this life. Places I want to go. I lack the courage to follow thru. Whether it be because I don’t deserve the life changing experience or a fear the outcome will not be as I’d hoped for. I never wanted to be anyone else but me. Truth is I’m not exactly sure I know what that is anymore. I’ve taken pieces from everyone in my life. Both good and bad. Are the things I enjoy really mine to begin with? They say just stay sober and the rest will be revealed. To that I ask what comes next? After you choose to live a life of sobriety. What’s next?

How does one begin to trust… let go and let God deal with it?