How does someone transition their mind to believe they are enough? It’s one thing to say oh I’m doing my best so that has to be good enough. But when you look inside does one actually believe what they said when they say it. It’s easy to fake confidence on the outside. To appear that you have everything together and you are in control. But no one could begin to imagine the amount of pressure you put on yourself to keep everything together, perfect.  Slowly the pressure has you convinced your best isn’t good enough because so much more needs to still be done. So I ask how do you know that your best is actually your best? It’s a mindset thing. They’ll tell you to pray on it. Pray that your thoughts are directed and believe you’re not going to be given more than you can handle. 

Yes, at the end of the day I am stressed. But the weight of being stressed is absent… missing. The feeling though I’m left with has me feeling that my best may not be enough. SO focused on being the best in the room. Having to the superhero that saves everything. My ego is fed. Like fuel that gives me power to keep going because I have to save everything. Even when the amount is too much for just one person. No one around me thinks less of me. They all realize the situation. Everyone is aware of the cards we all were dealt. They know I am doing the best I can. Shit, I even know I’m doing the best I can. But still there’s a voice that’s telling me maybe what you are doing is not enough. Maybe you are just an alcoholic. Things are going well sure but just wait. I’m here to remind you that you aren’t enough. That you’re not doing enough and at the end of it all you are still just an alcoholic. I contribute this to my alcoholism. The voice of my disease that has plagued my mind for years. The only why to drown it out was to drink. Since I’m no longer drinking finding an outlet to put the thoughts has been this blog. Trusting in my higher power that I’m not given anything I can’t handle. Believing in faith that I’m put in the right position. The right place.

This doesn’t stop the day to day thoughts. When my back is against the wall and I’m doing everything I can possibly do. Yet so much still needs to be done leaves me feeling I’m just not enough. I’m one person and not a superhero. No matter how much my ego tries to convince me that I am. It’s the compliments that I receive are what I truly  seek. I can’t sit here and deny that they don’t fuel something inside me. But on a serious note it fills a part of me that never thought I was good enough. So I must put on my cape every time it’s needed to go out and save everything. Even when saving everything / everyone is not possible. 

I guess to sum all this up how does someone transition their mind to believe they are enough?

To feel that when I leave work I have actually done the best I can do. Even with life. Life on life terms. Am I being a good enough friend? When it’s all said and done taking one day at a time has really helped me. Serenity Prayer when I feel the thoughts coming. Because the truth is I know I’m doing the best I can when it comes to work. I’d also do anything for the friends closest to me. But delusional thinking… my alcoholism is just sitting there. Waiting for a weak moment to start with the bullshit. This too shall pass. Live and let live. Reminding yourself that even when you feel like you are nuts. Going insane. The thoughts are raging inside. Feelings aren’t facts and YOU ARE ENOUGH. So today I will continue to move forward. All the while reminding myself I’m doing the best I can at this life thing. I can only control what I’m able to control. Knowing the difference is half the battle. Praying for the knowledge. Someone told me yesterday I have a responsibility to feel okay. The stress comes with the podium I choose to put myself on. Taking life one day at a time. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Just make it through today. Reminding myself I am enough. I am awesome.