11/22/24

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.”
–Anne Frank

I’m at a loss. For words. Searching for the right ones to form sentences that might make all of this make sense. From the thoughts to the actions. The I don’t cares to the maybe I just don’t know. I’m okay and sober. Unable to catch on to the serenity that comes along with it. Growth is great. Change was enviable. I mean the places drinking took me. Sobriety has left me with many questions just searching for answers that seem to fit. Answers that calm a particularly anxious mind just to get by. One more day at a time. Mentally I’m there. Days go by and some of them are terrible. Others are great. Yet even the great ones I myself searching for a lighter in between the car seats. Just in case burn it all is what it takes. 

Would I have moved if I was never pushed? Pushed myself into change and into the rooms of AA? I feel like I’d be waiting… and waiting. Never going to change. Mindset warped. I was fine the way I was. Until every time became like the previous times before. I feel like I’ve hit another point. Where I’m not moving forward but taking steps back doesn’t happen either. If you’ve read any of these blogs you know my thoughts. I’ll do the steps as they come. I’m not shy to admit I don’t care about any of it. Sometimes I feel as if I started too quick. Moved to fast because I just wanted to be done with all of this. I never expected to stay sober if one must be honest. 16 months and I’m still fucking sober. There are days when I think about a drink. I want a drink. But there’s no motive behind chasing the drink and going down that road again. I feel stuck. Not sure if stuck is the right word that fits. Some people may claim its serenity. Perhaps. Serenity sucks then I guess. 

Days are pretty great. I laugh at the funny things that come with life. I’m stronger when life throws out days that aren’t so funny. I see the growth but I’m not obvious to the growth I still need to make. Holding myself to a higher standard has me searching for any reason to remind myself. You just maybe this plain boring person. A person who feels different when she looks she the mirror. Because the person looking back doesn’t seem too familiar anymore. I am happy? Yes. I believe I have things in my life that bring me joy. The happiest times are spend with the people that love you. But am I happy? 

This all feels like one long drawn out sentence. I feel stupid if you want me to be honest. Writing this and the feelings being said subliminally into between the lines. Too afraid people will think here she goes again. Posting a blog with no context. Trying to explain shit like any of it makes any sense. does any of this really make sense? In the same breath I’ll slide that big book right back across the table. Here, take my 12 & 12 too. I laugh to myself when people tell me what a great program I work. I stay sober through friendship and the select meetings I choose to attend. But a program? Might need a little more convincing. Lately I’m too afraid to raise my hand because I can’t seem to have the words that come out of my mouth reflect the ones I feel inside. Conplacent. The feeling of being stuck in one spot. The spot is staying sober. Loving every part about that last sentence. Wanting something more. This isn’t a blog about me feeling down. I’m in no way feeling lost or negative. But at the same time. I’m a walking contradiction. I know how hot the flames can get yet I find myself always wanting to stand in front of them. So fixated on something that I never give my brain a chance to relax.

Waiting on forever. I’ll wait forever to figure this out. To achieve what currently feels unachievable. I’m not really sure what exactly I’m looking for. What feels like, right now, just doesn’t click. Listen I’ll never be one of those people who quote the page line and words of their favorite chapter. How many times did you have to read and reread that to have that kind of  information stored inside your memory bank? 

Stay with me as I slide into another day. Feelings become words and form sentences for what’s going on inside my head. What started on one night has stayed with me. Thoughts and feelings. So intertwined. Real. Fake. Delusional thinking. Down rabbit holes. With ups and downs. Left and right. You feel fine. You’re staying sober. So everything should be fine. But feelings settle in and what use to be fine suddenly is slipping. Like you know you’re missing something. Lost something? Did you actually losing anything? Or is it a delicious little treat planted inside your brain to disrupt any positive insight? 

Stop. Before you even get started. Too deep. Too real. Feeling the words that I think. Only the right words end up on this screen for your eyes to read. Many hours forming days. Spending time where no one’s mind should spend. I’m in a better place today. I got sober and things were sketchy there in the beginning. 16 months sober and some days I’m right back there. Like the snap of your two fingers. I could be back there. That fast. That quick. If I allow myself to take a trip. Down memory lane for example. 

Just when I think I can close this entry some more shit comes up that needs to be said. I had an outrageous thought today. That sometimes I think I’m a bad person trying to be good. This wasn’t an attempt to put myself down or anything. Subconsciously I think I’m trying to manifest something inside me. But an honest statement is that maybe all this alcoholism I’m using to try and cover up all the bad shit I’ve done in my life. When I was out pretending I didn’t know right from wrong. Truth is it might have something to do with Christmas fast approaching. It recalled a memory from so many years ago. My dad gave me a candle. A normal cvs glade candle. This memory brought pain with it. Heartache. Because I remember being embarrassed when he gave me that. Embarrassed from me. Embarrassed for him. Truth is looking back I know it’s all he could afford. But I was the selfish person who used it to gain sympathy from people around me. Used it a a joke to get a good laugh among friends. Didn’t care how much hurt it caused him. I resented him for not being able to give me a better gift. My sponsor said today who’s to say what the best gift is? But in that moment I didn’t care. I just wanted something better and again he let me down. I’m thinking a lot about him. Wondering where he even is at this moment. I haven’t spoken to him in years. So many I can’t even form a guess as to how many. 

Maybe I am just trying to put myself down in an attempt to make myself feel horrible about the situations. Truth is it is all my fault. My selfish ways of needing to think about only me. I was never the best daughter. I just wish I could tell him I’m sorry. For all of it. But would he even remember who I am at this point. See my dad has always had a bad memory from what I remember. Last I heard he was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s. I don’t know how much truth there is to that because of the person the information came from but it doesn’t take away from the fact it makes me extremely sad. Angry. You’re probably thinking why not just reach out to him? That is a little more challenging than just picking up the phone. Maybe I’m just making excuses. Maybe I believe I deserve to suffer. Or maybe I’m just not ready to deal with the truth. I’m scared to be in an awkward moment with a Dad who doesn’t even know me anymore. the same goes for him. It would destroy me if in fact he does even remember that I exist. This blog has switched. When I started this entry it wasn’t supposed to end up like this. But things happen and I have to write what I think. Writing helps me understand with my feeling. Unprocessed emotions from years and years of being bottled up. Only to be poured out when a drink was poured in. Insecurities left me when alcohol welcomed me. This blog has become my outlet. Pure honesty from behind this screen. Thank you as always for taking this journey with me. 

 When I started this journey I assumed it would be all about that drink. Not being able to control it or myself when I take that first sip. These past few days a drink hasn’t even crossed into my mind. I’m grateful for that. I just wish I wasn’t this messed up person. I think I’m on a good path but then I turn left and here I sit again. Trying again to fix the cracks that I thought started to heal. Slowly removing bandages just to see if I’m still bleeding. I’m stronger and look at how much I’ve grown. There’s no denying the fact that last sentence has so much truth behind it. My life today is intoxicating. I love my life and everything that comes with it. I am my own worse enemy. I don’t intentionally mean to beat myself up but this is where I’m at today. Trying to say I’m not is a bullshit lie. A lie I pretend to be okay telling. Thinking those around me believe it. Listen I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Proud of who I am today as person. But my past frightens me. There’s a lot going on back there I don’t know how to forgive myself for. So when a memory pops up it tears down everything I’ve work so hard to build. I’m left mentally pulling out tape to try and hold myself together. If not forever just for today. Truth is there’s traumas I will never forget. Bad situations I choose to not discuss. I got baggage I still carry even though I’m aware it’s okay to put down. I go down these roads so often that you’d think I know my way around by now. I’m a good person with a checkered past. I lack the execution behind everything that sounds like it maybe beneficial to me and my sobriety. I know what I’m doing wrong but do nothing to change it and make it right. Almost as if I enjoy these roads I go down. A little sight seeing tour. Subconsciously punishing myself for everything I’ve done. Knowing full well I’m no longer that person. Learning true acceptance and not just mouthing the words. What is actually wrong with me? 

Well….

I’m an alcoholic. 

And my name is Mel.