“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein

Am I fine? 98% of the time. It’s the 2% that courses concern. From as early as I can remember I’m fine was like my calling card   I hesitation and without a second thought. I always found it to be easy to lie when you don’t want people to worry.  It’s for a good cause. So is it really a bad thing if you’re trying to protect someone you care about feelings? People ask me how I am. I tell them I’m fine. Whether it’s the truth or another lie. But this goes deeper than are you okay.

 I’ve thought about a drink in some sort of way almost every day for what feels like an eternity. Sometimes I entertain the thoughts of what it would be like to just have another one? If I knew the last time would be the last time I’d drank something better than what I did. These thoughts feel so real. Balancing on a fine line. Rolling dice to a dangerous game. But when you asked me what did I say? Because I was just fine. Is this the life I signed up for when I got sober? The good days I’m grateful I’m sober but wanting to celebrate with a cold one? If I’m being honest. I thought about drinking a lot. Even in those not so bad drinking periods. I always thought about that next drink. The get togethers when I needed a few just to get me there. Get me into the room. Calmed the nerves and ease the conversations. 

Do I even know if I’m actually okay? I mean I’m breathing and I’m not drinking so I must be okay. Yet I have days like today. Overall I’m good. Today was in fact a good day. But there was a part for a split second that sadness filled me. Leaving me longing for a good cry. It came and went in the same split second. Why did it happen in the first place? I confuse boredom with serenity. I always have and most times I feel like I always will. I have trouble allowing myself to just be still. Like I don’t deserve time to rest because I don’t know what it’s like to have a calm mind. My mind always races from one thought to the next. 

Thoughts tend to slip through the cracks in a mind that has not yet healed properly. It’s like I want to be everything to everyone but at the same time nothing and have no one. The good days out number the bad days. The days I feel stuck become less and less. Yet thinking of drinking has never diminished. There’s no intent to want to drink. Just because I have these thoughts I’m still okay. I’m an alcoholic and I love to drink. I attend AA meetings because I realized it is no longer safe for me to drink. I get angry sometimes at that realization. The one where I never drink again. I don’t want to drink. I understand the person I become when I pick up is no longer the life of the party. That person is no longer as cool as she pretends to be. That person hurts people. Lies and steals every emotion from you. 

I’m a better person today because I don’t drink. But the thoughts Again I don’t want to drink them they’re just thoughts I can’t seem to control. I don’t want to lie anymore. Lie about not thinking about drinking. I’m okay. I’m alright. I swear I’d tell you if things were the opposite. 

🤞🏻 I promise. As selective as I am. They can tell the difference between an “I’m fine” and “I’m fine.”

What does it mean when someone asks you how you’re doing? Is there any correct answer? I’m fine because I’m not drinking. I’m good because today I saw the sunshine and wasn’t locked inside my head. Like a prisoner in solitary. If you give an honest answer than your left to talk about the things inside your head. What if you can’t form words to describe these thoughts? Random  images. Flashes and I’m right back there. Memories of a childhood less spoken. 

Thursday I had 17 months and the Friday that followed was spent wondering why the algorithm on my instagram thought I needed all those drunk memes. Or why every place that sold beer seemed to jump out at me as I drove to my weekly Friday meeting. I just thought at least I’m going in the right direction. 

Just because you think about drinking doesn’t mean you have to drink. I don’t know at this moment why I’ve spent days with this thoughts. Sitting later on.  When I’m alone processing them in the silence of my head. I feel as if I complain. At times too much about my mind and mentally where I lack strength against intrusive thoughts. Alcoholic thoughts. I am an alcoholic. Yet simply, I don’t do what needs to be done to prevent thoughts of the unwelcoming kind. Self awareness on full display. I’ll chase every thought as I compile more shit on top of it. I do this to myself. Ask for guidance. Give me strength. Direct my thoughts. I believe this is why my thoughts remain just that. There’s no obligation or intent to drink. Yet simply put, I’m angry sometimes because I’m an alcoholic. Angry that I admitted to myself that I am. Ruined drinking forever. But in the same breath I don’t think I’ve had my last drink. But that last drink won’t be today. 

I don’t always have to go to the places my mind takes me. But I still pack a bag because some trips last  days before I get back. I’ve been so focused on these alcoholic thoughts. That I feel they start to accumulate. I allow them to control parts of my brain. Parts of my heart. Because my disease has me believe the shit that just simply holds no value. I know this a yet I still follow. Every thought like I’m taking down a lead. Feelings of guilty for having these thoughts of drinking. You’re suppose to be in recovery but yet thinking thoughts. They seem to go on and on. As time goes by and I continue to remain in those rooms. In those chairs. I’ll keep coming back because there’s joy in this life today. I can live with the constant thinking. 36 years I doubt it will ever change. However in time may I can control the amounts of thoughts the revolve around that first drink. Truth is I don’t want to drink. Just because I have thoughts of drinking doesn’t mean I have to drink.