“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Hi. Hello. It’s me. 

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? It’s been a sometime and I’ve been wondering about some things. 

Are you proud of me? The person I’m becoming? Or do you think I’ve changed myself too much? I’ll be honest I do things now I no longer recognize. 

Do you even remember who we used to be? When we were young. Carefree. 

Why do we always overthink everything? Are you just now realizing how much pain that causes us?

Why do you become so obsessed with anything that makes us feel good? Places. People. Things.

Why are we so easily addicted to the things that could potentially harm us? Do harm us. Feelings that linger too long. 

Why do you become so wrapped up in yourself, thinking everyone and everything revolves around us?

We were so used to being alone. Not needed anyone. When did that change?

We were never okay being alone. By ourselves.. needed no one. Were we?

Why do we still carry a fear of not fitting in? 

Why do we even care? I hate that we do. Secretly worrying about everything. Everyone. 

Why do we sometimes forget that we are a good person? Why do we not at all care some days?

Why are so cocky and arrogant? Thank you for not allowing people to see this side of us. Oh, what a different picture that would paint before them. 

Why do we have to stay sober? Old me I know you don’t understand. Someday I don’t either. We’re going  to figure everything out. Stay with me. I’ll keep us sober. 

Why do you allow me to miss person who clearly don’t care about me?

Why do we not love ourselves that way we love others around us?

When will we let people see me for me and not the person they want to see? Do we even know who we are? 

Why do I always feel as if I’m complaining? Searching for something? Why can’t we just live our lives? 

Why do we feel too much now that the drinks stopped? Some days they’re too much but we push through. 

Will we ever have the confidence that we carrying outwards, inwards? 

What will it take to make you happy? We both know if we had the world in our hands we’d drop it. Let fall to our feet. 

I remember a time when you weren’t selfish. Do you? I remember a time when I didn’t play a role. We were the star in a life we created. 

Do you remember letting outside noise distortion the perception you saw inside us? It was loud and at times deafening. Seemed to be a noise only we would hear. We’d cover our ears but the noise would just grew louder. Flashback we were right there. Yells and screams from when we were a kid. 

What if we are never are able to think we are better? People will tell us over and over. But what if we never feel any different than when we first pick up that bottle?

What if we search and search but still nothing seems to fill the hole we sometimes feel? 

Do you think we’ll ever get used to people being there without questioning other motives?

Do you think we are a better person than we were back then? I admit to you days aren’t the same. 

Do you really think there’s something bigger than you and me? Or do we just believe it because they all believe it? One day this way. Yet without any hesitation. Gods got us. Confused right?

Why do you let us become an alcoholic? I know you only did what you had to do. 

But why couldn’t you have been programmed differently? Like why didn’t you have the drive to make our life better?

Why did you always take a short cut or run towards something better? Just to find out ain’t nothing better over there. 

Why do i always feel we’re wasting precious time? Not doing enough. 

Why can’t we just freeze time? Help me get this right before it thaws and time starts running again. 

I know you did what had to be done. Survival Mode was the only mode we were stuck on. Stuck on go. But that doesn’t have to be this way today. Manifesting something out of nothing. Personally fears. Undeniably imperfect. Personal growth. Personally setbacks. Two inches forward and jumps 4 feet back. The “I don’t care mentality” if only it was true. I’m the exact definition of a walking contradiction. All depends on what mindset I wake up in. Which one I go to sleep with. I how I manage the one I have during the day. The only bounce back option is just doing what is best for us. Answer every one of these questions how I would under them. Just stop. Just zoom in on me and focus on me. Why do I always feel good after writing?

Is it the way I realized the situation going on inside? Sometimes even how stupid I’m feeling. Funny to think. I started posting these for you. To help you. Never realizing how much it would help me. 

Life is a track meet and sometimes I’m out of breath. Rest but keep going. No matter how stupid or insane you’re  feeling. I’ll keep coming back. With more questions than answers. Still. There’s so much I need to learn. Questions that need sort out. Acceptance is key. It always comes back to the fucking acceptance. SMH. I laugh because there’s so much truth in that. I can’t accept things for how they are. Fuck it. I’m done. Done with all of it. It is how it is…..

At least for today. That’s the mindset. Just for today. Tomorrow I’m sure this mindset will be different. Because it’s always different.

bye.