Begin 6… maybe you’ll see 7.

 “There is a huge difference between wanting to change and being willing to change. Almost everyone wants to change for the better. Very few are willing to take the steps necessary to create that change. “

– John T. child

Which type am I? I wonder as I stumbled upon this quote and I believe I can change. Change into what I’m not sure yet. A better person? A sober person? Better girlfriend? Better friend? All of these things are indeed good things. But it’s comfortable to stay where things are familiar. To not ruffle your own feathers and create waves. But if you think about it. If there are no waves how would you ever move? How can you expect change if you keep repeating the same thing, same action, that got you here in the first place? All of this are questions I’ve asked myself. Wanting to be different and drink normal. Never understood why I couldn’t just put down that drink after a few. Never thought I was an alcoholic or that AA existed. Things are different now. Read along as I journey through step 6. My thoughts are my brutal honesty. My opinions hopefully you understand a few. The difference time can make. 

A willingness to write. Feelings come over me and my fingers start to type. Having some much to spill out yet, the words are lost inside me. My brain is cloudy and my judgment is less than perfect. My life is ordinary. Boring most days. Certainly nothing worth writing about. So why bore you with the humdrum. Egotistical. Character defects still in full swing. Mark

Step 6 incomplete. Absentee. Because there’s still a part of me that, subconsciously, finds it hard to process or maybe even believe I’m not the center of everything. Nor do I even have to be. I’ll raise my hand up asking for no attention please. shhh! Secretly I want all of it. The spotlights and the applause. Fuel the ego deep inside me. Tell me I’m good. Better yet that I’m great. 

On the cloudy with a chance a rain. Nothing is right. Those days when your thoughts keep taking you left. You don’t stop until on the left is your next drink. Do you pick up or pass it by? 

Just lay there. Emotionless. But filled with so many. The days when dying is a lot easier than trying. How bad do you want it? What’s it really worth to you? Spend all day convincing yourself you’re okay. You’re “fine”. But you’re not sure, are you? 

Grateful. Today wasn’t like this. Yesterday wasn’t either. Into sire about tomorrow but I get through tomorrow like I got through today. I know how quickly my mood can change. The slightest switch and down I fall. Dominoes all over. I have an infinity pool of traumas and broken shit. A childhood littered with jagged pieces of a once happy memory. I remember laughing. Smiling. Happy? Let’s revisit that. 

Believing I can release the character defects secretly also not wanting to. Maybe a few. Just take them. All of them. These defects been with me. Thinking back to when I knew. Felt something other than any of these words on this list. Defects. They got me to the age of 36. Are they all bad? Really? If I changed them now. Release and move forward.  Who am I today? Will I recognize the person that wakes up tomorrow? Asking myself questions knowing the answers. All will be revealed in time. 

Be able to recognize and switch focus. I’m thinking too much. Wonder how step 6 is supposed to change me. Make me better. Journey forward. Living a life that brings me joy. Thanking my higher power. Pray to just have everything work out in a way I can handle. Anxious and calm. Frustrating and satisfying. So many emotions. Defects to sort through. Weekly dinners to fill in the in betweens.

I’ve realized recently that when stop questioning and trying to understand. Life kinda just works out. I make things more complicated the more I compile question and question. Talking to myself about the same things hoping to find something new to enlighten your eyes with. It’s hard to talk about life when life doesn’t feel like it’s crumbling apart. Like if I talk about how much better things are it might dissipate so quickly. I’ll lose grip of the present. Sobriety has me excited about life.

“We’re entirely ready to remove these defects of character.” That takes a sense of willingness. I wanted to make a change when I stopped drinking. When I stopped the drugs because I knew that road did not lead to a happy ending. Flash back to when alcohol was just a drink. Never a drug. Surely not an addiction. Back when I control it before it controlled me. What a fun and entertaining ride it’s been. From nights of laughter turned morning or misery.  A full belief and commitment that a higher power, as I can only understands, will be able to do just that. Remove it all. Take it from me whether I want to gone or not. Help me to adjust to a new day and a new me if that should be the outcome at the end of step 6. I find myself holding tight to a thoughts that I’ll still be the same me. Just a little different. Maybe more understanding after all of this. At the end of 6 there’s 7. All the rest I’m still not entirely convinced I need any of them. But here I sit. 

I think where I begin to stumble is I still kinda believe I stopped drinking so there for I have no more problem. I don’t believe I was born an alcoholic either. Life happened. I learned the wrong way to deal with it and here I ended up. A 36 year old female who raises her hand in a meeting across town. I’m not the best. But I’m still trying to be. I ain’t perfect. Yet I still want to be. It’s always as easy as black and white. Lines are blurred. Hard to undue what’s already been learned. When it comes to me, if only in some cases. 

My father is an alcoholic. My grandfather on my mother side. Alcoholic. The tree is littered with addiction and family health instability. How much long do I plan on using those excuses for my previous bad behavior? AA matured me in ways I never knew I needed to be. Slowly forgiving the past because it doesn’t have any place in my future. It’s a constant daily thing. To remind myself it’s okay to be this me and not feel guilt and shame for that person who used to fit inside the shell of the old Mel. 

I still lack the confidence when confidence is needed. In places I almost always have it. A amplitude second and it all vanishes. Sitting on a blog post for weeks on end. Wondering if I used the right words. Or if the title even makes any sense. Fear of not using the perfect word to form the perfect sentence. The perfect sentences to fill up the page you read before you today. The praise I receive is an addiction in itself. Fuels me to keep writing. Thoughts are helping you as they help me too. Egomaniac fully blown. Yet humbled enough by life to also know I need to continue to work on me. Even on days I feel I’m as prefect as I’m ever going to be.

When it comes to it why one anyone want to hold on to the character defects? I’m reread mine. The same ones I wrote down before I even went took steps 1-5. Just wanting to see how many actually belonged to me. How many of them I could find a place perfectly fit inside me. Don’t get me started with the thinking. Both immoral and negative. Fear is a good one. Ego driven and a tiny smidge of perfectionism. Anger not far behind. Angry at myself more so than anyone else past or present in my life. I probably lied to you once or twice. Hey, atleast I’m honest about it. Not many people are able to say that. I would continue to make the wrong decisions blaming it on a childhood trauma while acting like I didn’t understand right from wrong. But here I sit on step 6. I’m an alcoholic this is all I know to be true. A higher power surrounds me. The people. The rooms. I’m back and forth. Give it and take. If you can remove anything please just remove that.

As I finish up this blog post this morning I feel good about it. Good about where I’m at in my program. Living life on life’s terms. I used to hate the mornings. Today things are a little different. If you’re a continuous reader of this blog you’ll already know these post are days of writing and deleting. Rereading and rereading and rereading. I thank you again for reading it. For texting and asking when the next one is coming. Step work is something I shy away from. Felt good to write about Step 6. I’m not done with 6 it so I’m expecting another post somewhere in the mix. Maybe?

Drop something and maybe it’ll work out alright.