This may come off as a rant. I’m sure what I’m about to say has already been heard millions over millions of times. Millions of people deal with change everyday. Yet here I sit thinking it’s only me. why poor old me?

I cannot stand change. Nothing about it. I never have. A puppet master controlling the strings. Let me just control everything because there’s a change incoming. 

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
― Helen Keller

I find myself trying to control everything piece of the whole situation. Just to try and hold onto some sort of familiarity in the situation. So it doesn’t seem new or different as much. I compile situations. Add onto another already stressful situation. Projection. Manifestation. Believing that I know exactly what is supposed to happen. I guess a little piece inside still thinks I’m god. Still thinks I have a right to predict or know what’s going to happen. I know very well I can’t do either of these things. Yet trying to control change to me is better than sitting around waiting for things to play out. I’d  and  I would scream. Make a fool of myself. I public or behind close doors. If only that would give me a voucher or a free pass to play a part I so desperately desire. To act out my own narrative to a future I wrote. Resight lines I’ve learned by heart. Because they are the words from a script I wrote way back in time. 

All of this is make believe. A fantasy only I want to live out. In a world where my plans are the only ones that matter. I control the change that happens. I control every aspect of my world and everyone that lives in it. I know I can’t do anything of this. Yet why am I sitting here contemplating my next plot. Trying and trying to find some exit door stage left because nothing going on in my life is part of the script I wrote for the next chapter in my life. So many chapters we go through in life. Having to admit that none of this was actually written by me. Is something that sounds so far fetched to me. Something I can’t believe. I can do the whole higher power thing. I get we all need something to believe in otherwise we will continue to fall for everything. But why should my higher power determine what my next move is? What gives it the write to pick and choose what’s next? What that next outcome will be? Let me stop pretending that I’m an ace at making the right decision. Like my life isn’t riddled with bad decisions and fear driven motives. However people only see the bad decisions never knowing it was the only choice you had. 

Controlling change. Surprise surprise I am not one to give this kind of advice. Don’t pay attention to me. So much more to learn. I’m guessing there’s still a part of me that believes I know what’s best. That I am the first alcoholic that has all of it figured out. This is a false sense of accomplishment. Like I’ve achieved some sort of satisfaction in remaining sober for x amount of time. I love my sobriety. I cherish everyday. But how quickly I forget what it was like being in that fog. The mornings spent hungover and miserable. Promising no more yet deep down thinking if I only drink 1 more fewer maybe I’d be able to control it this time. See here we go. Back to the controlling narrative again. Damn. I really am an alcoholic. 

Fear of change. Fear of not knowing. I admire the people who embrace change like an old friend. Confidence in knowing everything works out. Like how do you do it? How do you know and walk worry free? Please don’t give me the response of well if you trust your higher power. Something just dawned on me. As that last sentence poured out of me. What if I don’t trust me higher power? I believe sure. But trust? My higher power is an accumulation of many things. Things I believe in that generally might me feel something. Anything. People in the rooms of AA.  The words that seem to be said directly towards me from that stranger across the room. Sitting in that sit for the first time. The random songs that seem to find me on a certain day and at a certain moment. That voice inside my head that thankfully louder than the voice of my past. But again trust? I don’t think I do. 

How does one trust a higher power? I don’t mean to come off stupid or like I’m lacking some sort of knowledge that I should already have the answers. I love that my writing starts in one places but always seems to end up in another. As if I wrote what I need to write and things slip through. Like thoughts I didn’t know I needed to have. 

I love that I have the people in my life. All different in their own unique ways. The ones standing in the corner. Putting a hand out because I’m just too quiet. Never wanting to take the hand. I keep the circle small and the corner even smaller. There’s people who get the I’m fine. And than the kens who get the I’ll be alright. There’s a difference in the feelings I’m feeling. I’ll never be that type of person. Willingly just talking about  everything. Every detail  like I’m giving a presentation in front of the class. I’d rather go away when the energy ain’t right. I don’t want my bad energy to corrupt the peace you’ve been accumulating. The energy will swift again. I’ll return and I will be alright. 

I don’t know what to do to force focus my mind. Stay in today and not lead with a mind already on tomorrow. But I do know I gotta get  up tomorrow and make it through the day sober. Ain’t no drink gonna curve this feeling. If anything it will escalate everything and not in the right direction. I guess I have that to be grateful for. If I can’t control what’s happening around me I can control not picking up that drinking. Everything is a choice. Sometimes I just wish I was the one who got to choose. Controlling change. Change controls me. That fear of something new frightens me. Change is inevitable. I’ll be alright and in a few weeks I’ll look back and know all of this anxiety and stress. Worrying and trying to plan would’ve been a waste of time. Waste of energy. Right now I’m not. While writing helps it doesn’t replaces the nerves and anxiousness of everything that needs to be done personally. Plus the added stress of work. Being the best and actually feeling like I am. Losing a co worker. Who became a close friend. Not seeing them 6am most days is something that will take some getting used too. Having someone. AA. I took for granted thinking things would stay the same. But they’re on to bigger things and I’m proud. Wishing the best. I’m left dealing with what’s brand new. Moving apartment. Stressing. So when it settles I will settle. Controlling change while trying to adjust. This too shall pass right?