“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

When did I forget how to form sentences to best describe the emotions I feel? 

When did I forget how much writing words helps release something built up inside me?

I feel disconnected from AA and the people inside it. Everything about it actually. It’s like everyone moved away and every now and then there’s a blinking red button on the answering machine. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised with the feelings I’m feeling. Been a month almost since the very last meeting. I’ve become comfortable with the excuses. Something came up. Oh I have work. Oh I’m too sick. All of which are and were very true. Doesn’t change the fact that they are just excuses. I applaud the people who continue to reach out when all they get is one word or two in response. You are my people. But I’m difficult to be friends with. I’m even more difficult to try and understand. I’ve been telling you this over and over in all these posts and yet you still want to be friends with me. What’s that definition of insanity again?

Look I don’t know what to say or do. I feel alone but know that I am not. I feel empty yet filled with the love of those I know love me. How do I make myself believe I don’t need to apologize for every little thing? The world is not mad at you Mel. Believe it! No matter what you try and tell yourself. How do I stop feeling sorry for myself and actually care about what it is you’re saying to me? This has been a really bad month for me. 

AA has taught me a lot. Yet it’s become too easy to skip this meeting or that one. Unsure if I’d even be able to walk back in when being out has become my norm. I haven’t picked up or stepped out. This isolation. Away for what can only feel inside like an eternity. But I’m aware the reality of the situation. Truth is all of this is my fault. AA has almost become a burden. Sobriety has become something of the same. I don’t mean to speak ill of something that has given me a better life than before. The rooms have helped me find peace. Peace within a trapped mindset so steadily focus on negativity. Sometimes those same rooms are the only places I’m able to just breathe. Breathe an honest breath. I’ve been sick twice in the last month. Only thought I can think is never got sick when you drank. 

I haven’t prayed in that same time period. Like a serious prayer. When they ask how I’m doing. What are they really asking? Mentally I’m a mess but physically I’m improving at slow pace. Slowly better today than yesterday. But mentally? Mentally is a different script. Different story. How do you explain you feel emotionally empty yet you’re completely aware of the love right in front of you? How do I find words to explain the feelings I feel because I’ve run out of them. To say the same things I keep writing about. Maybe I can borrow a few of your letters? A few of your letters to form new words. Words that maybe you can understand. Look I’m sober today and I’m grateful for it. But I’m not doing anything to protect the sobriety I’ve gained. I’ve always been able to self assess. Self awareness. I realize when I’m about to fuck some shit up. I just for a split second don’t really care. That’s me being real. Honest. 

Today I made a comment to someone. Someone not associated with AA but for personal reasons knows about addiction. I told this person that I’m realizing I might be done with AA and I need to find a new outlet. She responded with I thought you were doing so well. You loved it I thought. You think you’ll be okay without it? 

First let me say I don’t know where this statement came from. If I know me like I think I do it probably came from me feeling disconnected. Alone. An outsider. We’re back to that blinking red light on the answering machine. Will I ever listen to the messages I know I need to hear? I promise you I will pick back up without this program. Maybe I’ll survive until an opportunity presents itself. I know how to turn an opportunity into something I’ll regret. That’s not me saying I want to drink or even have a desire to pick back up. There’s a lot of things I’m thinking. I should be thankful that is not one of them. I love the people inside these rooms. Some of them have forever changed my life. But I never expected any of this. I never expected to stay sober. I thought like with everything else in my life that it would fizzle out. Over time. But certainly at some point I would be back in a place I spend so much energy and time growing from. 

At the end of the day none of that matters. Because I am still here. I’m still sober and I still have an amazing group around me. You’d think after all this time it wouldn’t bother me as much. You’d know being so open. Honest. It does bother me being vulnerable. Typing words in some sort of order for you to read and possibly relate too. It’s easy to hide behind this blog. Hide behind these subliminal sentences. Hoping one person will see the truth I’m not open to revealing. One day all this could stop. Then what do I find myself hiding behind? 

I used to hide behind a bottle. Some weed or whatever drug was in arms reach. Watering down the person I thought was good enough for people to see. Do I really want to go back to that? Back to apologizes and lack of understanding? Back to the back outs and the lies? No. I don’t. So what the fuck am I doing? 

So will I push the red blinking light? Listen to all the message of people just trying to give some insight. Or will I keep letting them pile up? Knowing fully well that eventually the space will run out and then what? No more messages. 

How do I find myself back to meetings and AA? One at a time I guess. I don’t want to drink but I feel if I continue down this path I know what lies at the end. Like I said before. I’m lucky I guess. Some people don’t have people. Why do I always forget? Lose focus on what I have to what I want. Searching and searching but never seeming satisfied. My heart feels what my mind always tries to convince me otherwise. I need to get back to the place mentally when I was excited about AA. My sobriety depends on it.