04/10/2025

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” – Albus Dumbledore 

Take me back.
Lost in these days.
Give me the sunshine,
Please hold the rain.
I can manipulate my own emotions.
The memories trapped inside my own head.
Did that really happen?
Am I really that shallow?
I’m not an evil person.
My mind simply makes me this way.
If anyone knew half of what I thought, 
I’m too embarrassed to say any of them at all.
Yea that’s the danger that lies within me.
Forgive me, 
That just isn’t the real real me. 

The past is already gone. 
What if at the end of it all 
All of it,
Everything,
Was all my fault?
Before I was label an alcoholic,
Before the world seem to just cave in,
Before the white lines
and blue pills.
Before I broke promise after promise,
Before I started losing track of the lies I already told you
And back before alcohol wasn’t being used as the excuse

Excuse the unhealed version of me.
Seeping out through the cracks
That emotionally are being held together with tape.
Sometimes it slips out and just to start shit.
Only to me.
Never to you.
Not the evil person it portrayed me out to be.
Flashbacks
People only see the decision you made
Not knowing you had no other choice to make.

I question if alcohol is the route of this.
Was I born an alcoholic with all this tendencies
Or did life shape teach me how to become one?
 Was I marked with a stamp *handle with care*.
Only to have someone drop me,
Shatter me into pieces,
And what you see before is a version some many people tried to fix?
No hocus pocus of Harry Potter is going to fix me.
I can’t even forgive me for the things I’ve done
That’s why those memories haunt me. 
I can’t seem to forgive
Because I can’t forget
I’ll forgive myself today.
Deja vu happens tomorrow
and I’m back there. 
Not forgiving me.
Like I just tripped,
Landing flat on my face. 

I’m okay.
I’m honest.
At time more brutal than what is required. 
I’m hard on myself because that’s how I was grown.
Its me just dealing with life on life terms.
I’m starting to assume.
Doesn’t mean that I’m not fine. 
I’m just stuck looking out life’s window
Counting the bad days go by. 
More good days with bad ones sprinkled in
I’m a good mix between right and wrong
I need to flip that same honesty switch
I think about that drink. 
More often than not
Good days. Bad days
Making deals with only myself
That new 4 loko can looks pretty. 
Yes! I’ll take that one please.
Stop it. 
Do not pass go. 
It’s the day dreams that take you there.
The nightmares remind you of the wreckage
That same day dream caused.

So I sit on my hands and smile.
Because after all I am still fine.
Often questioning myself. 
Have I had my last drink?
I don’t know if I want to give my answer to you. 
I can find a ton of reasons to drink.
None of them are any good.
The one reason I stay sober though, 
Out weighs all those same reasons combined.
Where to go from here?
A positive after a negative.
The best at picking myself up,
Especially when I knocked myself down in the first place,

Live life and you’ll see.
Trust the higher power. 
That trust runs very short with me.
Control everything
Or nothing at all.
Understand who you are,
Even if who you is just a sober alcoholic. 
I’m a lunatic 
In so many right ways.
I’m a lover 
And I’m your friend.
The same friend who will defend you,
In rooms you’re not standing in.
I’m someone who blacks out when they drink.
I’m someone who says and does mean things
All because I picked up that first drink.
I’m also a good person,
With a shit load of bad tendencies 
I’m brave
And strong because I have to be.
I’m a story 
Still being erased and rewritten.
I’m independent 
But don’t leave me alone for too long.
I can be cocky and arrogant.
That’s just my confidence talking.
It’s a defense mechanism.

I’m pretty .
Hoping the beauty inside
Will one day match the outside.
My mind is a weapon. 
My words are the ammo.
Blending good and evil.
I’m not perfect. 
Ask me tomorrow though
Because you’ll probably get a different answer.
A working puzzle 
With a few pieces still missing.
On the edge I sit most of the time.
Its very difficult for my mind to settle.
I’m still that good person.
Who does truly believe in Harry Potter. 

I’ll end on a good note.
Because I am feeling better 
Then when I first started to type.
Searching for meaning,
A sense of purpose,
Understanding peace,
While reaching for sanity.
Life no longer has to be this hard.
Yet I constantly consider taking the harder route.
I’m agreeing with you.
When you mutter words of encouragement.
However I know what I am. 
I am delusional. 
I am an alcoholic. 
I am a great girlfriend. 
Who loves too hard
And I will always be emotionally connected to everything I touch. 
I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with
But love me anyways. 
Even on the days when I can’t find the words to express mine.