“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.”

–Kylo Ren, (to Rey), Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi (2017)

This was written over the course of a few days. It’s pretty cool to see my mindset and how it shifts as I’ve reread this many times. It’s honest. At times maybe too much. It’s me and mine. My mindset. My mind. 

Have you ever just laid in the dark and let the thoughts flow in and out? Unsure of the ones about to enter but confident the right ones will find you. Inspire you to pick up this phone and type. 

Do we ever actually know if we are truly okay? Or does it become a saying we use over and over so the people closest don’t worry. 

Do we know that we are in pain? Forcing ourselves to become so easily distracted with this or that. So involved with this one thing that nothing around us or our pain for that matter, matter?

Want to be a Superhero? Who are you trying to save? 

I’m saving you, of course.

Protect feelings. Feel those same feelings?

Nope. Shut it. Lose the key. 

Change is coming. It’s here. Happening before you.

Projecting. Moving too far ahead. Stay steady. Revert back to the place your mind belongs. Focus on the happiness behind your smile. 

Is the happiness real? Or is it just something you’re currently focusing on to distract yourself from the big picture? 

You hate change. You want to blow everything up, don’t you?  As if you have yourself convinced that would make any difference at all. Do you have the balls to hit the button? Eject yourself out of this and anything involving it. What are you really talking about? A job or something more sinister? 

Sinister is by far not the correct word. But it’s the first that came to mind so I wrote it. Eventually the facade will fade. People will begin to notice the real you. What version will you show them?

I’m shattered internally. Being in a new place will do this to you. Stirring up feelings buried deep. Unable to process anything because I’m too focused on what could happen in another 3 weeks. Become too emotionally charged. Maybe there’s a reason I ended up here to begin with. As the shock fades and the new feeling of it all wears thin. What place are we really talking about again? 

The secrets lie in between the lines. I don’t know why I choose to hide them there. But that’s where they shall remain. Subliminal messages. Choosing the right word to place in the right sentence. Just to keep your brain somewhat interested. At the end of everything. It is all in fact about me. Every blog. Every emotion. Every line that made you question. It was all me. I don’t know why I respond the way I do in situations that still baffle me. Claiming good when the evil knows. Waits. Til the time comes when I’m forced to show my hand. Like playing spades with the cards up. It’s not my fault. I was probably born this way. Taught. Raised. Yet I sit here at 37 wondering how bad will it get if I never unlearn these behaviors. Remain the same. Is it enough to just stay sober?

Doesn’t it account for something though, that I made it this far and haven’t died? Was it the plan all along? Or am I that good that to escape with a few scars and a broken mind? Others will say it was your plan all along. I laugh because I remember being the one living day after day. Forcing myself to get up when it would be easier to just go the other way. I’m delusional and often self centered. I judge others for what I don’t like about it myself. Claiming I’m not perfect but the version in my mind always is. I fancy a good day with a happy ending. I’ll relive a bad one to be able to tell a good story. My life is filled with piles and piles of excuses and misplaced fortunes. I often lose track of the life inside my head. As it blurs between make believe and what is actually happening around me. I often question if this is the addiction. The power of alcoholism and what’s it’s done to me. I find the more I walk down this path the more blame I place on alcohol. My lack of a childhood. What my parents did or didn’t do, lost feelings of being loved too much or too little used to catch the brunt of everything that ever went wrong in my life. But now alcohol does. I use alcohol as the reason I was a shitty person. I can find almost any reason to blame alcohol. But is that the real reason for the madness that slowly breeds inside my skull? Vibrates under my skin. I’m metaphorical speaking, or course. Most days I am who I say I am. But this phone and my words give me a platform to be my true self. I never wanted to help anyone with this writing. It’s started off as mine and my alone. No eyes.  Your eyes only at the same time. What’s left is a watered down version of half of what my mind is willing to part with. Divided in half. Divorced from the defects that lay present inside me. 

Would it be cliche of me to start rattling off the long list? As if I even believe any of them are a problem. Well they bother me sure. I can pick them out of a list without hesitation. But they’ve been with me my whole life. Who am I without them? Yes I’m still on step six. I’m currently at a point where wouldn’t mean any more or less if I even finished the rest of them steps. I honestly don’t know where all this is coming from. My mind manifests problems when no problem exists for it to fix. Rewind. Replay. Rewind. Replay. Will I ever  learn to accept peace for what it is? A daily struggle over and over inside a warped mind. Understanding I get to choose it daily. This all started over the smallest change. Big change to me.  It wasn’t the end of the world. But yet I sure made it out to be. Told everyone and anybody who would listen. Just listen to my struggle. Poor me. I swear I’m a mixture of a 5 year old believing in magic and a 37 year old woman who understands she’s an alcoholic but still believes she’ll be fine after one drink. Now after the second I maybe saying something different. 

I knew this would happen. Exactly as I predicted. Feelings aren’t new but the environment is. I’m not used to any of this. I hate change. Show me one person who does. I realize a lot of my writing bouncing for 1st to 3rd person at a moments notice. One sentence here. Another there. One topic now another one for later. End up losing all your thoughts. All we can do is start over. We’re all just trying to get more good days than bad. Juggling life and the shit it throws at you. Hoping this will be the time you handle it better. Learning from past mistakes. Yet again. Same thought. We make the same mistake.

People blame alcohol for the mistakes they made. I’ve already told you earlier I am one of these people. But what if we’re just all shitty people and the alcohol gave us an opportunity to be just that? This isn’t likely but it’s what I used to think. I used to say drunk words are sober thoughts. Do I still believe this? I’m not sure because can’t remember the shit I said when the lights went out inside my head. When I stumbled and fell down steps. Another black out. I’m fine, truly. 

I struggle with feelings. As easy as it may appear in the lines of my writings. I feel as if I must have a valid reason to feel what I am feeling. Some sort of justification rather to have it be okay that I’m feeling it. I make excuses for why I feel how I feel instead of just allowing myself to feel those same feelings. I can’t feel this way because of this or that. I hope some of you were able to follow that. I don’t always understand what I feel at first. I should say why I feel what I am feeling. It’s often masked by the real reason. The real reasons aren’t the ones I’m most proud of. They don’t always make me feel the greatest about myself. Like a double sided face. There’s the emotions I’m okay with you seeing. Then there’s the ones I’ll only show only a few. Small few. Like one hand few.  I replay over and over. You’re not good enough even tho I know I’m doing my best. Maybe this all is pay back for the wrong things I’ve done? It was too good for too long. They’ll all forget about you as time moves on. My mind is a weapon. A bomb.  Tick. Tick. Tick. I’m constantly trying to stop it from exploding right in front of me. . So many factors are at play. I’m only one person yet I’m trying to be a different version. A better version. The version my feelings make me out to be. Fit in. Maybe you’ll like me. Watch me tho as I claim to always be me. At least I’m not being fake. This is insanity. I laugh at myself but none of this is actually funny. I try to find humor in things to make the mood a little lighter. 

I feel like some days I’m a hypocrite. Unstable. Trust me. Today has been a day where I’ve honestly just kicked the shit outta myself. It’s actually good for me. Am I worthy of your friendship and the minutes you spend worrying if I am alright? Listen I never promise to be a good friend. Yet people seem to think I am. I don’t think I am if I’m truly honest. I’m there for you when you need me. Most likely. Texts left on read. Please just one moment. One minute. I need to get right. I disappear like a ghost. Only to reappear thinking I always know what best for you and your situation. Utter a few words about whats going on with me or where my mind may have been. That’s just how I’ve always handle it. I apologize to everyone. I’ll always be there for others before I’m there for me. Yet still think I’m not doing enough because internally I’m subconsciously only worried about myself. Fuck. What kind of contradicting self centered egotistical nonsense am I actually saying right now? 

Thoughts of a drink. Told my sponsor. So I guess that makes it okay? It was over the most stupid reason and I knew it. I just didn’t care. I wasn’t going to act on it, that’s obvious. But I needed to say it. Decipher the reasons from the delusions I came up with. It didn’t make me feel any better. I did get through the moment. It allowed for second or two to breathe. It allowed me to remember who I am as worker. An employee. A boss. A leader. Overachiever. The awesome parts of me that make me really great at my job. I need a purpose to function properly. I don’t have one here. I might not need one in another 2 weeks because I might no longer be here. In 2 weeks I could also be dead. So again I’m wasting energy on somethings that might never even happen.  But I couldn’t help it today. Well maybe I could. I don’t know. 

In closing, I had a realization today that I no longer fit life around AA. I fit AA around my life. I don’t know when it all happened. Maybe it’s been this way for a while I’m just now being honest about it. Some may think that’s a bad thing. They have every right. Let me explain. AA has changed my life. But it doesn’t have to be my life. There’s people who eat and breathe AA. That’s their program and what may work for them.  I see why and I understand. But not for me.  There’s tough days like today. Then there’s really great days like tomorrow could be. Then there’s days in the middle and I’m okay with those too. Or I will be anyways. Im getting better at them. I’m still going to attend those meetings here and there. Share meals with friends. Do things I’m suppose to do as an alcoholic who wants to stay sober. I’m okay today because of Alcoholics Anonymous. My sobriety means the world to me. I have AA to thank for that. I’ll never forget the feelings walking into that first meeting. Anger, lost, confused, hopelessness… the list could go on forever.

Today however, I have different feelings. ❤️✌🏻