“Every life has a purpose. Share your story and you may help someone find their own.”
― Demi Lovato, Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year

I waste half my life charming others. 

What if everything was a lie?

Good story’s gotta have a good ending, right?

I’m fine. You believe me. 

I laugh with you. You stop questioning.

I show my face. Time and again. 

You no longer worry. 

Texting becomes a struggle. 

Form a sentence or two. 

Response left on read. Because I never hit send. 

Delete delete. Just forget it. 

I waste half my life laughing at things I don’t find that funny. 

Without a reason.

If you’re not laughing, you must be sad. 

Not sad? Than where’s your smile?

No smile? Well something must be wrong. 

It’s easier to just to laugh.

I waste half my life thinking about the past. 

It won’t change a god damn thing. 

Dreaming about a different outcome. 

Why? None of this was planned. 

If it was like you say it is,

Then I need to see someone in charge. 

I got a few questions. 

Where were you the moment you realized you weren’t a kid anymore?

Do you remember?

Were you shoved into adulthood?

Like here hold these worries and problems. 

But you keep dropping them. 

Life keeps saying pick them up. 

No one taught you about balance. 

But you can handle everything, right?

I waste half my life convincing everyone. 

That they’ll  grow to love me.

Love me or leave me. 

Leave me and watch as it kills me. 

I watch the clock turn from 1am to 3am

I love the world at 3am. 

Everything quiet. 

The world. 

My world finds peace at 3am. 

I’ve wasted half my life trying to do everything right. 

Actions misleading. 

It wasn’t my intention.

If my people are good than the world is alright.

Never wanting to follow plans made. 

Does any of it even matter?

I ooze confidence. 

From a place inside that cannot fail.

Cocky. Its confidence.

Who’s the real fool?

What’s hidden doesn’t resemble any appearance of what’s outside.

The tank runs on empty. 

A mind casually saying you know what you need to refill it.

I’ve wasted half my life lying.  

Good lies. Bad lies. 

The line blurs between good and evil. 

Practice. It gets easier. 

Try a few more on for size. 

Allowing no one to know. 

Make up lies about yourself. 

You seem a bit cooler now. 

Everyone getting a different version.

Losing track.

Give someone 100% 

Now you’re too vulnerable.

Watch them destroy 100% of you.  

No one talks about the lies you’re told.

When I knew you were lying.

But stood there and accepted every one. 

I waste half my life overthinking. 

Over and over.

Never ending up how I predicted it. 

Never in the horrible ways I’ve thought up.

Never in the ways that I thought well, poor me. 

Never the same ways yet I act the same. 

The amount of minutes I’ve spent obsessing just in sobriety. 

Enough for probably 2 lifetimes. 

Simple and easy slip up and step out.

My mind is really great at convincing me

Manipulating myself into that next drink. 

The ideation that life was better. 

The delusion. 

Just typing that. 

But no one is supposed to know that side of me. 

I’m disinterested. 

Distance myself. 

Quick. Yet quiet. 

Off and On. 

Light Switch.

Let see what mindset wakes up with me tomorrow. 

I waste half my life thinking my life has zero substance. 

Life without a purpose

Tragic in itself. 

Mentally walking myself backwards 

Out of the darkened hallway I seem to follow my mind into. 

Manifest something to obsess over. 

You’re not sad. 

Happy? 

Might be a sketch. 

You’re simply content. 

Becoming okay just standing as is

Is there a point to any of this?

A point you’re trying to make?

Signs everywhere.

Open your eyes

There’s a world that’s wrapped around you

I waste half my life contemplating who I am

A good person

A few sociopathic tendencies

Mixed with an alcohol allergy

Addicted to anything that make my blood warm

And my heart race. 

Feed off adrenaline. 

I alienate myself. 

A tough act 

With a soft center

Knock down walls just to rebuild.

I’m complicated. Confusing. 

Simply Me.

People want to judge decisions you make

All the while never knowing 

The options you had to choose from. 

I spend my life today sober. 

Figuring how to accept life 

For what life actually is

Searching for faith from different angles. 

A concept to simply understand.

Forgiveness for everyone except me.

A harboring resentments. 

The biggest I save just for me. 

When will I just let it be.

The difference between peace and serenity is a toss up. 

Boredom a wandering mind begins to wander. 

Looking for an outlet I picked up my iPhone.

Writing has a weird way of making whatever is inside of me feel whole again. 

What if you wake up one morning 30 years from now to find

out you spent your whole life wasted?