I thought if I just kept walling off the pain it wouldn’t hurt as much. If I kept blocking everything out eventually it would disappear. Like white out. I had so many one night stands with just about every addiction. Alcohol was the one that always came back around. Wouldn’t leave me alone. So I let it stay. It slowly became apart of me. I’ll be the first to admit yes I am an alcoholic. I struggle to feel the same about my life with alcoholic going forward. Have I really had my last drink? If this is true why can I still taste it on my tongue? 2 years later and I still can remember how it made my arm hairs stand up when it hits the back of my throat. Instantly filling holes as it courses through me. Numb pain and giving some sense of normalcy. What a wild ride I’ve been on. 

How could something that made me feel so good suddenly change on me? I remember the good. Mixed in was a whole lot of bad. When it was good there was nothing else like it. Watch me fly. And I did. So fucking high. My emotions are a mixed bag. Minute to minute which one will surprise me now. I hope one day I’ll find the passion for this program.  Get the excitement back that I was filled with before. I’m starting over again. Not from the start but starting over all the same. With experience and strength I will live to fight. I have dropped and lost something along the way. Coming with experience and no expectations. No limitations. I’m all over the place.  My emotions are that of someone with 9 days of sobriety. Only I’m blessed to be still sitting here with 900.  

Somewhere along the way I became complacent. Lazy. I used every excuse or example as to why I was fine and I knew just how to prove it. Lost the motivation to stay sober. What’s insane is how fast I slid. I didn’t even pick up a drink and yet my willpower felt like one was already in my hand. Definitely was in my head. I’m in my head. In my own way. I walked away from a commitment I took for granted. I didn’t realize how much it alone was just keeping me sober. Meetings became a meet and greet. Conversations short because I’m riddled with insecurities. 2 years of sobriety I’ve learned so little. I thought I knew everything when I took that step back. Never meaning to remove both feet but when one goes the other tends to follow. 

I knew exactly what I was doing when I said I needed a new home group. Knowing I never had plans on getting another one. Echoing my fool proof plan. Secretly it was my out and I took it. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I didn’t have it. It was hard to get back in when you’ve been out of the swing of meetings. I wasn’t drinking however I was still struggling. Silently still trying to manage a life with feelings that became unmanageable. I didn’t think I’d be in those seats forever. I thought I’d come, take what I need and leave. I think that’s why I’m shook. I’m an alcoholic. I accepted it before. But I don’t know. Something feels different about it when you’re trying to stay sober without help. My mind. Quickly I’m able to convince myself I’d be fine with just another. So I barely talked. Stayed silent. Pulled the mask down because I couldn’t admit I was wrong. Couldn’t admit I’m struggling. The whole time… I was tripping. I got used to it. I accepted the feelings that came with the isolation I forced myself into. Welcome my old thinking back like a lost friend. Now it’s here and I can’t seem to change it back. Searching for any resemblance I recognized looking back at me. Broken record. How could I be back here? Again internally searching for a purpose. Hopelessly. There’s days my heart feels so heavy. The ups and downs. Where did happy go?

Where did the excitement for service go. The fulfillment that came with helping someone. Anyone out of tough spot. I talked and I loved. Loved everyone except myself. I expected everything to happened just as it was supposed to. All the while doing minimal amount of work. I had growth but the growth stopped when I stopped watering me. I stay sober for the people that love me. If it just Mel I don’t know if I’m going stay sober for just her. Not sure in what ways I’m able to forgive myself enough to feel the love I need to remain sober for myself. I have a lot still to be unpacked. Like layers of an onions. Peeled back but never healing the trauma hidden underneath. How do I begin to find someone new? I don’t tell secrets to another let alone a new person. I can’t even bring myself to tell a bestie her friendship probably saved my life. I’m blessed with people around me. The constant influx of love at time came be suffocating. However I’d rather suffocate on that love than spend a lifetime not knowing what that feels like.

 Why do I always line up every way something could go wrong. Without giving any thought to the ways it could go right. What happens if I say fuck it, give in, stop fighting everything that has to do with this and just put my head down and go to work? I’d get everything I seem to be sitting here lacking. When does the life part of my wildest dreams start? Maybe when I decide to put down the bat I seem to always be hitting myself with. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repetitively and always expecting a different outcome. I did it with my drinking and I’m doing it now in sobriety. I’m constantly jumping from one pink cloud moment to the next. Searching for something to help protect myself when the high just drops me. I could sit here and write all the ways I’m going to improve my situation. I could speak so many wonderful and inspiring things. Anything to help them get another day. I am the best at talking about doing many things yet I don’t ever do any of them. The one thing I wish I’d change about me. Let Mel be Mel I guess.