I share this because I’m terrified of what might happen if it’s left to grow inside. My mind begins to race. As I try to hold tight my grip on sanity begins to slip. My alcoholic mind tilts and there’s that voice again. My voice. Waiting patiently for the right moment to sing a sweet song that in the moment sounds like the perfect answer. The answer to problems I feel like I’m manifesting into something much bigger. No one likes change. Pushed to a point I’m unfamiliar with. When so much has changed and I am the only one that feels damaged. I can’t shake off the feeling of misery. Trying to gather up as much positive energy. Just praying to something to get me through just one more day. One more shift. I look around and everything feels different now. My purpose here has no meaning. I do not feel valued. Important. I’m just a body like the next person. Now it’s like what the point. This job used to fill the ego portion of my soul. I’m great at my job. But being great at my job doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I used to make the rules I played by. Now I don’t even know the game to begin to understand what rules I must play by. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do day in and day out. Anxious I might say the wrong thing. I’m trying to be brave and accept change. Hoping that the change brings with it new meaning and new perspective. I don’t want to be the person causing waves but I’m uncomfortable. Miserable. For the first time I have some courage to do something about it. I lost my passion for wanting to be the best. I don’t care if I’m mentioned behind doors or inside small circles anymore. I lost the drive. The fire that fuels the ego is dimmed. I see no more reasons to prove I’m the smartest in the room. I don’t care how good anyone thinks I am. Compliments no longer carry the same weight as before. I’m a walking shell of the energetic grocery manager that just a few years ago won an award for being just that. The absolute best. 

We never truly know a good decision from a bad one. All we can do is hope and trust our gut that things will play out in a way the benefits us. Trying to control my emotions. Trying not to get so wrapped up in this. So wrapped up that it begins to cloud my judgement. Becoming immense  with the feelings of it all. Manifesting that I’m there before any concrete evidence  is seen. Knowing that if things don’t work out I will crash and crash hard.  I never intended to get so wrapped up. I don’t have the stability to withstand let down if things don’t work out how I envisioned. I have zero faith that things work out how they’re supposed to work out. Solely based on my own need to control the outcome. At the end of the day I trust myself the most. I’m unable to bring myself to a realistic conclusion that this isn’t going to work out. I sit with myself. I can’t bring myself to think of any other thoughts. I obsess over it. Overthinking. Over planning. Confidence at an all time high. I’m ready to walk away if it means walking into another opportunity better than the one I’m currently standing in. Terrified of failure. More terrified of standing in this same spot contemplating this same thing 3 years from now.