July 30th, 2024

Why is it every time I leave a meeting there’s so much I wanted to say. I never seem to find the courage to share. These people have gone through things and been through the things I’m going through. So why is it so hard for me to speak up. I have walls up from people who used me, used my words my feelings against me. I never let people in because I’m always thinking they have other motives. So it’s hard for me to share what I’m feeling or thinking to a room full of people who don’t know know me. But I want to try something. 

 This AA has me questioning my relationship with god. Whatever it is to me. I feel like god gave up on me and let me down so early in life. I was taught in Sunday school that god is almighty. He is suppose to save you and not hurt you. Yet why did he take my best friend in 3rd grade or my grand mom from me in 06. Both when I needed them so much. Why didn’t he give me a chance to say goodbye. Why all those nights as a kid did I have to wake up to arguing and hearing things been thrown and broke from fighting. I come from a broken home so what lots of people have. But why did god choose to put me through that. This all led me to have a fear that AA won’t work for me. I hear people share in these meetings about how much god changed their lives and how relaying on him has helped them stay sober. So my brain instantly goes to oh this won’t work for me I don’t believe in god.  I feel this is alcohol trying to pull me back in. A friend of mine told me god doesn’t have to be a person. He said god for him wasn’t a person that it was just him acknowledging that there’s something out there bigger than himself.  Maybe God is something like that for me I thought. Then I met a woman in a meeting today. She suggested I find a place or thing that brings me peace. A place I go to or a song that reminds me a of time I was at peace. She said her god isn’t an old guy with a white beard holding a staff. I laughed but it made me think. Maybe I can find god in the things that bring me peace happiness or maybe in challenges I overcome that I once found difficult. I’m not sure yet what god means to me but I’m confident I’ll find out the more I learn about myself. I truly don’t know who I am without alcohol and that thought scares me more than you know.