May 6th, 2024

“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are things you get ashamed of, because words make them smaller. When they were in your head they were limitless; but when they come out they seem to be no bigger than normal things. But that’s not all. The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried; they are clues that could guide your enemies to a prize they would love to steal. It’s hard and painful for you to talk about these things … and then people just look at you strangely. They haven’t understood what you’ve said at all, or why you almost cried while you were saying it.”
— Stephen King (The Body)

Cry. I’ve cried more times in this last month than in the last five years. I’ve heard people say it’s from years of suppressing emotions. Numbing feelings. Then how am I to explain the sadness I feel inside my soul? Like I’m going to be sad forever. The days are adding up. Less good. Some bad. I feel like I’m becoming depressed. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I even know what someone who’s depressed is dealing with. I just I’m sad. I get angry at myself because I’m surrounded by so much love it could become suffocating. But it’s not. It reminds me I matter to someone. Gives me hope that the good days are coming. Where the highs you just wish you could bottle up and pour out as needed. Sometimes I feel like I’m being to dramatic. Maybe I am. I know there’s people out there who’ve got it worse off than me. I know I should be grateful for the many things I currently have in my life. But when I feel like this none of them seem to matter until I cry. Then I realize just how blessed I am. There’s a release and I feel better to an extent. 

I feel like I’ve mastered the I’m okay please don’t ask mentality. Because I do feel okay. I feel as close to normal if that’s possible. But there’s this sadness that seems to come and go. I try to move past it. Most days I do this at a successful rate. This too shall pass and the good days will find me again. I have faith today. I see my faith and I feel it. Approaching the day with a mindset set on just going with it. Trusting that whatever happens is going to happen. I might cry again tonight. I might cry tomorrow. If this is growth….

Idk.