7/13/2024

“Be strong, be fearless, be beautiful. And believe that anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.” — Misty Copeland

It took a lot of courage to put that letter into the mailbox. Spending weeks waiting for a response. Nothing ever came. I stressed over it. Obsessed might be a better word to use. I figured I said my peace. Clean my side as people say in these rooms. But still I felt a connection. I needed to know if the letter was ever even received. Just wanting to know. Yes or No. Nothing ever came. 

Time did as time does. As the days went by I thought less and less. Still carrying a package packed full of guilt. Still needing answers like was the letter even read? Months later a text comes thought. On a random day in July. I was stepping out for a meeting when your name appeared. On my watch I knew… I had a sinking feeling this was not going to be good. Still in shock the response I so desperately wanted from months before. I jumped at the chance to read this text from you. What I read brought with it emotions full of anger and a little bit of rage. Truthfully I expected the worse but still hope something nice. I expected to feel your anger but what I got was nothing like I thought. Thankful I read it without a needing to respond. Thank you for showing me I no longer should carry this guilt. You’re not sorry so why am I stressing about this any longer? I said my peace so fuck it. It is what it is.

Look at me ending that last line so brave so tough. Like I don’t believe a part of me will forever be broken. But enough is enough. So can I close a chapter. Begin to heal the part of me that was connected to you. Most days I’m fine until a day comes along and something reminds me of you. You don’t want me in your life and I honestly understand your reasons. You’re still angry at me and I have to accept that. Maybe it would be for the best if there wasn’t anymore you and me. I will always love you and wish you a good life. But you don’t know this version of me. The words you use to describe me in that text no longer fit me.

I self isolate. Processing these racing thoughts. Why does this goodbye feel like forever? Maybe time will finally heal wounds that we continued to reopen. Ten years from now maybe it’ll be different. I can’t see that happening but I never thought I have a year of sobriety either. I have to find a way to live with myself because the current thought I’m thinking is maybe you did always need me. The weight of that thought feels like a thousand bricks sitting on my chest. But I have to move on from the guilt and forgive myself. I just have to. I think I just realized why people have told me I need to forgive myself first. Because how can I begin to ask you to forgive me when I can’t even forgive me. How does someone sit with themselves? Believe that they did the best they could. When if I could go back I’d probably do the same shit all over again. I’d like to say I wouldn’t but deep down I have to be honest and admit the truth. I cared mostly about me and very little about you or your feelings. But in your presence however nobody mattered more to me. I had you and you had me. I guess I never saw the hurt I caused when I left because things were always the same when I came back. I can no longer blame it on the drugs and alcohol we’d always split. I still can’t believe after all them late nights you never told me that he punched you. 

To those reading this I’m conflicted with angry and sorrow. When I wrote the letter I said my peace yet here I sit so fixated on the what ifs. I don’t want to spend the next week in darkness. So I’m forcing myself into the light. This milestone is important to me. I never thought I’d be able to do this. Live a life without a drink. But here I am. Still doing it. Emotionally… I’m a mess but I’ll be alright. Alcohol was a stepping stone. Something I used to numb the emotions I feel daily. I struggle with them daily. I believe I am a good person yet in the back of my mind these are voice that whispers are you really? I do believe I am enough but flashbacks take me back. Back when I wasn’t good enough. Not for me or anyone. I’m sober today and the thought of a drink didn’t cross my mind. Things will get better in time. I just never realized my alcoholism was way more than just a drink.