7/18/24

As I sit here reflecting on the last year of my life  start to realize just how much of me has changed. Once this person so reliant on a drink to get me through social awkwardness. So compelled to just have one more. At the time telling anyone who would listen “Look I said I’m fine.” Surely I’d come to the next morning, same as times before, unable to handle the destruction my night of drinking caused. Spending the next few days wondering if killing myself would be easier than dealing with the guilt and shame my one night of drinking caused. Apologizing to everyone I hurt or may have pissed off. In the middle of my black out screaming this is who I am so love me or leave me. Maybe that’s why most people left me. Today I see how I might have left them with no other choice. 

Tomorrow is an accomplishment. A year ago I thought something like this was unattainable. I struggled to wrap my head around 30 days that I couldn’t begin to comprehend 365. One day at a time. Couldn’t wrap my head around that for a few weeks either. But I kept coming back. Something felt different. I don’t think I knew it at the time but I needed different. 

Mentally this has been one of the hardest years of my life. I’ve shared before that when I made the choice to put the drink down I didn’t realized at the time I’d be putting it down for good. I found that gem of information out in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I wanted things to stop I had to stop. But nevertheless each day early in sobriety I faced an uphill battle. Wanting to quit each day more than the day before. Plagued by indecisiveness and a mental obsession. I wanted to give up. Clock out. Fuck that. I’m out. But for whatever reason… call it God Will or whatever you chose to believe I am still here. I attached myself to these rooms and the friends I found in it. It was you who kept me holding on. No matter what was going on. I threw myself into that coffee commitment hoping I’d end up stuck and I did. 

I found my higher power in sobriety and I pray almost daily. I’m aware the relationship  with my god is fracture but at least I’m acknowledging there is in fact a relationship to built from. I struggle with the spiritual part of my program. My God as I understand him. It’s still my way on things I am able to control. It’s not the best line of thinking but Its gotten me this far. I’ve lost and found myself more time this past year than I have in the previous 35. I’ve don’t doubt I’m going lost it again a few more time as well. I pray that if I do that I contuse to come back stronger than I was before.

I am proud of myself today because tomorrow I’ll have went an entire year without a drop to drink. I still think about it. Taking just one drink. But the difference between today and 365 days ago…. Acceptance. I accept that I’m an alcoholic and my life was not manageable. If I could’ve stopped I would have the countless times I tried. AA has given me a freedom to be a pretty decent person these days. That freedom I promise to never take for granted. I don’t know where I’ll be at this time next year.  But I know I’ll be writing. The plan is to stay sober. Because now that I have one. I want 5. Every day is a new day to work on being a better person than I was the day before. I only way I can continue to do that is if I don’t drink and the rest will just figure itself out. 

I’m on the edge of tomorrow and I don’t know how it will play out. I’m ready for it through. Only God knows how many times I’ve told myself I’d never get to see tomorrow. I got here ONE DAY AT A TIME. Anxious but ready. Nervous but in a good way. I’ll see you tomorrow.

365 days- 8,760 hours- 525,600 minutes- 12 months- 1 year sober no matter how you break it down….. check me out.