7/31/2024

You know it’s been a while since your last post. You don’t know when 7 days started to feel like an eternity but here you are. You hit your 1 year anniversary with stride. Good vibes to match the good feelings that came with such a ridiculously intense moment. That carried into a pretty good vacation from the only job really you’ve ever known. As you type this you’re left with thoughts like you don’t write as much on the good days. As if talking about how great of a day was might lead to something less than. A superstition almost…. Like saying Bloody Mary 3x or Candyman 5. Today wasn’t the worse day by any means. Just okay….But searching for a light today came with a slight struggle. 

Then the wave you’ve been riding crashes. Wipes clean the peace you just spent days embracing. Leaving you to spend all day pondering the questions only you are able to ask yourself. The crash leaves you trapped in the middle somewhere. Too high the see the bottom before not high enough to see over the top. You’re okay and fine. But you begin to pick apart your life…again. Like you haven’t been here before. Stopping just before the rabbit hole. You sit questioning everything that’s going on in your life. Like where did the last 15 years go. So many wasted dollars spent. So much time spent surrounded by the wrong characters in this movie you’re calling your life. Many of whom have been killed off already. Come on look around. You know I’m right. 

Still you move through the day. Restart and restart again. Because that’s suppose to fix all of this. That’s what they say anyways. You feel good and nothing seems out of place. Your job is stressing you but you’d think out after all this time you’d be used to all of that shit by now. You laugh at yourself. You’re funny in the moment. You’re one of the best so just stop crying and just be exactly that. Then you look up at the face looking back in the mirror and your mind starts to wonder. Is the red skin and dry patches a sign of something more sinister? Fear keeps you from seeing a doctor but today you realized the fear of what if or unknown out weighs the original fear you had in the first place. So tomorrow you’ll make a call. An appointment is what you need to find out what is actually going on. Self confidence is damaged and you’re embarrassed to bring it up. But if you don’t talk about it your own thoughts sit and eat away everything. 

Then you arrive home from work. To be reminded just how blessed you truly are. You walk in to a human you love the most in this world and 2 4 legged animals who just want to give you love you back. They are the ones whose love remind me I just need to be me. No matter the day I’ve had or how great I am at my job. No matter what happens with the situation going on with my face or the confidence you seem to be lacking today. They are your peace. They are your reason. Your reason for all this. In that moment you’re brought back to today. Because of them you believe you deserve this happiness 🙂