“It’s often just enough to be with someone. I don’t need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You’re not alone.”
— Marilyn Monroe

ADVISORY…. Friends fall into different categories. There’s no ill intentions.. it’s just the way it is. There’s friends you associate with and then there’s the day ones, back against the wall, tell everything with honesty type friendship. Like there’s a difference between sure, we’re friends and call me I know where to hide a body type friend. I guess the different levels of friendship is what I’m referencing. Not everyone understands this. It nothing personal. Please don’t be mad at me. If you’re a reader of this blog you already know I’m nothing without the honesty.

If you’re reading this wondering where you fall..The category you’re placed in… on anything Friendships. Casual type. People in the circle, or maybe people in the corner… If you know you know. I love each of you and thank you for your presence in my life. If you aren’t sure I really don’t know what to say… But I will ask you this, where would you place me?

I always struggled making friends. So when I found alcohol making friends became easier to make. Shit, alcohol was at the top of this list….Everyone wanted to party and I was happy I supply the goods for a good time. So for a few hours I was popular. Addicted. Drunk. High. Center of the room is where I stood. Belonged. Because all of this revolves around me. Couldn’t happen without me. But when the liquor stops and smoke cleared I was left alone with just me. A confused mistake, even I didn’t want to be friends with me.

I lost my very first friend. Best Friend really. She’s was really the coolest. I still remember how she made me feel. The friendship. She died in a house fire when I was 9. See I didn’t realized how much this affected me until decades later. When I put down the drink and started deep diving into the feelings that alcohol helped me contain. See, I don’t remember grieving. Truth is I don’t think I even knew how to. Because in the years that followed I would continue to surpass every bad emotion.  Shit every good one as well was drowned out by whatever it was you were drinking. Every bad thought had a chokehold on me. It would follow behind me as I chased another drink or that next miracle drug. Anything to not feel the weight of the world crushing down around me. 

I started making the wrong friends in the wrong situations. I don’t hold any negative feelings towards them. I was using  them in the same breath as they were using me. Once the weed burned out and bottles emptied, I was left again. Empty. I got use to myself. Self isolation. Conversations with myself . About myself. About you. The strangers in a room pretending to be  my friends. When I met my boyfriend I was only looking for a friendship. He seemed like someone who didn’t walk the edge between life or death. Something I had grown comfortable with in a sense. Didn’t care if I lived. Didn’t want to die. I just accepted this is how it is. 10+ plus years later I get to sleep next to my best friend. For those 10 years he was my only friend.  I was okay with that. Because I trust him with everything. Well not everything. There’s things he doesn’t know about me and my past. I don’t want him to know the version of me before him. I don’t want to cause him more pain or worry any more than I have. But he’ll always be my best friend. No one has been that since I was 9 and she died. Through all the black outs and drunken night binges he was there. Even after the cheating. Still seeing the goodness in me. The good parts I feel like I struggle sometimes to see.  He loves me. No matter what. I’ll always choose him. I trust that he’ll always choose me. No matter what.

Friends come and go. People change and grow like the leaves every season. Some of my best friendships, as few as there are,  were with people who no longer have a place in my life. It doesn’t change what it was. They were there for me. Even when no one else was. 2 of my friends walk on 4 legs. I fall in love with them before they were even mine. They listen to me and love me. I like to believe they understand me. Out of blue but I couldn’t write about friendship and not mention them. They’re special and funny. Two different personalities and I believe the universe brought them to me. For the peace and love they bring daily. ❤️ 

There’s an abundance of people in AA rooms. Friends in every sense of the word. Some will become part of your circle. Then a few make it to your corner. And if you’re lucky the best one will become your sponsor. None of this degrades the value of the people around me personally. From the passing hello, how are you before a meeting to the ones I don’t go a day with sending/ responding via text. People just connect differently with me than others. On a deeper level. There’s a special place in my heart. A part of heart I thought only held enough room for one person til I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I began to trust people again. Trust that all I needed was myself to sit down at the table. Trust that was gained after many days …months of conversations on a personal level. Certain walls crumbled and a realization set in. People are unique. I guess I needed to be reminded of that. Not everyone is going to hurt you like the people from your past. I’m so incredibly grateful they exist in my life. Not just in the rooms but outside too. With the help of these people I began to feel comfortable being myself and I didn’t need a drink or drug to be social with them. I have confidence when I speak on a social level. The confidence you few have restored in me.

I’m a firm believer that people are put in your life for a reason. Some may not be in your life forever but the impact they make spans a lifetime. Everyone in your life will have a last day with you. Truth is we never really know when that last day is going to be. One of my favorite quotes…. 

Dear Friend, thank you of the laughter and smiles. Thank you for the security in that if ever I just want to stand out in the rain, I know you are willing to stand beside me even if it means you’ll be soaked along with me. The safety in knowing if tears are ever shed from my eyes, you’ll be there to hand me the tissue. Tomorrow is not promised. So let this stand as a reminder that you hold so much value in my life. Thank you for the love you continue to bring into my life. The feeling is mutual. Even on the days I know I could be a much better friend. I know at times I might be too much to handle. Just remember and please trust me when I say…. It’s a privilege to be able to call you a friend.