09/09/24

” Remind yourself, nobody’s built like you. You design yourself. “
JAY-Z 

This post has no topic. Just words thrown together in some fashion in hopes that it all comes out making some sort of sense. After days of needing to write something… anything. Searching for a topic to describe what’s going on. Life on life terms is something that just hard to come by on days when nothing is right and almost everything just goes wrong. Both emotionally and physically. The bullshit piles on and it’s a struggle to just get through it with a smile. I string together some really good days just to have to an emotional crash. Fighting to just keep myself from drowning. I’ve gotten accustomed to these moments. My self awareness kills me because I feel it coming as I pull back. Trying to keep the positive energy at the forefront of my mind. Clinging to it like a death row inmate clings to life as he or she is handed a last day sentence. My mind is a minefield of delusional and twisted thoughts. I struggle to find an outlet but writing is the only thing that seems to help. I couldn’t figure out why I’ve been so anxious. Sure I made a list of possibilities or excuses even. I’m taking a trip Wednesday. A trip away with a friend to a place by the water and sand. A trip away from him and the cats who are, let’s face it, my kids. Trading in my life for a few days of sunshine and a good time. But still the anxiety of the whole thing is there. It’s replaced the positive energy with a feeling too familiar. I’ve welcomed it these past few days like an old friend. Trying to shake the feeling even though I gravitate towards it. It’s easier to feeling anxious than excited. I find myself looking to control it. The old me seeps out. Through all the cracks I seem to pretend are healed. As if I could predict how these days will turn out. Like a fortune teller or those people who reads palms. Live life on life’s terms. One day at a time they’ll say. It’s easy on the good days. On the days when everything goes right and you catch yourself with a smile. A smile that has no reason behind it. The days when you’re not using a smile to mask the sadness or frustration going on inside. Alcohol used to help cover up all the feelings. I was numb inside and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s was easier that way. Sometimes. Silent. Afraid of the party I’m throwing. A pity party and I’m the only one I’ve invited. I feel like that sometimes so I choose to remain quiet. A few words here and there. My presence at meetings becomes fewer and fewer because let’s be honest I feel it’s become a burden. It slips my mind that I have so many good days because of the rooms of alcoholic anonymous and the people I’ve found inside them.  In this moment though none of it matters. You’re probably reading this thinking she’s ungrateful and kind of a bitch. To each their own. You might be right. I keep telling y’all I’m a fucked up person just trying to be a better human. A toxic mindset that’s just trying to grow and change. There’s days I have trouble. I’m not use to this version of me. That’s why I become closed off and quiet. Wondering how I’m suppose to live the rest of my life still sober.  There’s a small group that is probably going to disagree with the words in those last few sentences. They see the good me. The light that for whatever reason I seem to always try to dim. For that I’m forever grateful. Even on days, like today, I’m anything but grateful. They’ve become so intertwined in my life that a massive hole would be left in me if for some reason I lost them. Shit. Let’s be honest it’s a reason I’m still sober today.

I don’t know when this took a turn. Became a piece where I just belittled myself back into a person I feel I have grown from. It’s exhausting the back and forth. Some days I can’t just choose happy. Or maybe I can and it’s a choice not too. But when I started to type I never meant for this. The words just come out I’m trying my hardest to make sure the right ones find themselves onto your screen. But it has gotten away from the objective of talking about the anxiousness of how I feel. She said something to me today. I don’t know how to be excited. That instead I’m making myself miserable. Truth is I know how to be excited. It’s the drop from being too excited I run from. It was mentioned that I might feel guilty from going and having a good time. Immediately I felt detached from myself. From what I am feeling. Like why couldn’t I just see that. Why did it take her saying it for me to realize it. Something. Finally that I could change. They say when you stop drinking your the age you were when you first picked up. Emotionally I feel that nothing could be more true. I don’t know how to feel feelings. I never wanted to. Even the good ones I always pushed off. I may come off as overly confident but inside I’m a mess. A mess I will gladly be just as long as you don’t see it. Writing does help. It’s calming in a sense. Like coming up for air after a day when emotions are suffocating. I make myself laugh because how idiotic I sometimes sound. But when you feel like you’ve got the weight of life on life on you … and there’s only so much bullshit you can take… and you’re unsure of why you’re feeling the way you are…. you might know a bit of what I mean. At the end of it all it’s hard to convince yourself to stay in today. Be happy. Choose happy. I am excited. Maybe it’s time I start allowing myself to be. Fuck It. I do deserve good things and not feel guilty for them. In closing, I have to apologize to me. Sometimes I put you through a day from hell. I make it worse for us than it needs to be. But I’ll always choose you instead of that next drink. That shit ain’t worth it anymore. It was all lies. Alcohol can’t save us anymore. We have to save us. And we will come out better on the other side. We’re gonna be alright. I promise.