09/13/24

“I could never stay long enough on the shore; the tang of the untainted, fresh, and free air was like a cool, quieting thought.”

– Helen Keller

As many alcoholics would agree alcohol took us to place freeing. Numbing might be a better word. A place where one had no problems. Alcohol made sure of this.

Or at least that’s how our minds made it seem. It covered up the problems and masked all the imperfections. I mean I can only speak for myself but this is how it was for me. The excitement of a night of drinking. Not meaning to take it as far as I always did. But to the place I go. The freedom. The addiction. The rush of it all. I just needed one more. One more and then that would be enough. One more was followed by, you guessed it, one more and enough was never filled up. To my own little world it sent me. It was a peaceful place. Filled with laughter and a good time. Until the next morning comes. Down I fall. A repeat cycle I never meant to repeat. But again I happened all the while I was just searching for a happy place.

Where do we find a place like this in sobriety? A place to communicate with whatever God/ higher power you find yourself to believe in. A place to collect your thoughts and refuel your believe. That you can make it one more day and achieve all your dreams. A place filled with peace and all the good energy one could need. Almost 14 months into this journey and I’ve only now stumble upon a place like this. My place. I finally found my place. A place I can feel the energy swift. Watching the water as I feel another breeze. Even down to the smell of the water as it meets along the shoreline. I forgot how much I loved it here. The quietness doesn’t seem scary. The thoughts are clear and I welcome them with a cool embrace. This town brings with it memories of a past both good and bad. As I sat on that beach nothing from the past mattered because in the moment I knew I found the peace and I was in the center of it all. Whether the peace was in me or just around me regardless I felt connected. Grounded…. To something much bigger than me. Sit in silence and just be still. Let the feeling find you. Calm you. If a time comes and all my marbles are lost. Just take me back to this place. So I can feel that feeling just one more time. A sense of purpose.

When I die take me to that place.

The place where my mind found peace. 

The beach. Just any beach. 

Sit me by the waters edge. 

Just enough to get my feet wet.

Feeling the breeze. 

My mind is at ease. 

Just bury me in the sand. 

All eternity. Forever. 

Just let me be. 

Because standing on the beach.

I was connected to you. 

The gratitude I felt. Unmatchable or compare about.

Feelings on top of feelings. Overloaded.

Just bury me in the sand. 

I find myself struggling on days

With the emotional feelings of feeling being felt. 

Before sobriety alcohol was the only place I felt

Both something and nothing at the same time. 

Alcohol was like a  stop sign for a wondering mind. 

Searching for a place since choosing this life. 

A life built both in and around sobriety.

Somewhere to connect. To feel the ground under me.

Refuel my strength. 

A place to remind me there’s something much bigger than me. 

So just let me be. I’ll sit here forever.

When the times comes….

Bury me in the sand beneath me. 

A place to just connect. 

So come connect with me. 

A place to know. To feel. A higher power. 

Here I know. Here I feel. 

As the wind blows and you continue to feel that breeze. 

Something out there is trying to talk. Just listen. Breathe.

As I plant my feet in the sand around me. 

Please just bury me in the sand beneath me.

Just relax because you are safe here.

I’m blessed to be standing in this spot. 

Standing on this beach. 

As I watch the sun begin to rise

Wherever I go when I leave this place

I’ll make sure to take the feelings with me. 

Memories that right seem like moments.

When I leave here I’m gonna take you with me. 

But I long for the day. A time just like this. 

I hope I remember the way it feels.

Tomorrow and the next day.

And the one that follows that.

When it’s all said and done

And the waves are all done crashing

Don’t forget to bury me in the sand.