09/27/24

“I always wished for this, but it’s almost turning into more of a nightmare than a dream.”

–Eminem

Standing on a platform waiting for a train. Train pulls up you have 2 options. Step on or step back. 

Option 1. Step on the train, leaving your baggage on the platform. Trusting that you have everything with you could ever need. 

Option 2. You could step back. Remain on the platform with your baggage. Stay in the same spot because it’s familiar. Safe. 

The train represents my life. The baggage is all the things in life that I allow to continue to hold me back. A mindset. A mentality. 

You wake up every morning with a choice. Get up and face the day. Or lay back down. Doing life isn’t something worth it today. Or maybe you do what I do. Get up and just go through the motions. The hellos and how are yous. The text messages and gratitude lists. Small glimmers of hope maybe mentally today will be different than yesterday. If you were to look up the definition on acceptance in the dictionary you might find this. 

Acceptance- : the act of accepting something or someone : the fact of being accepted : APPROVAL. 

Acceptance. I think I have it. But do I?

I gotta get something off my chest. I struggle with acceptance. Some days it’s on the gratitude list. I feel like I understand and have accepted life as it is. Life on life’s terms. Easy in the sunshine not so much in the rain. Then there are these moments when I don’t if I even accepted I’m an alcoholic.  Don’t misunderstand me please. I took step one. I am an alcoholic and I’m powerless over it. My history, in a nutshell, is a repeat example of my inability to drink just one. What I mean is really accepted the idea that I will never pick up a drink again. I’m not oblivious to the fact I change when I pick up. I wasn’t always able to say this. Powerless to the drink. Denying everything. I’m fine really. Give me another. Than another. Annoying laughter. It’s not that funny. I’ll have another. Slurred words. Just one more. I’m fine. Getting impatient. Self centered. One more won’t hurt. Bye bye. Give me another. Stop asking. I said I’m fucking fine. Listen as the record skips. I’ve said I’m fine so many times in my life I don’t even know if I actually am.

One drink is always followed by another and another and then what seems like the best idea ever. Next morning never seems to be as great as the night before originally sounded. It’s a cycle. Same shit every time I pick up a drink. When I typed that out and reread it it reminds me that I am indeed an alcoholic. The disease of alcoholism has a voice. Its own voice that mimic my own. Leaving it hard for me to decipher the two. It’s a give and take. I have acceptance and then want to control everything. I feel as if I grow so much and fall back down when a bump throws me off. I spend days trying to pull myself from the mud. Spend days mentally trying to bring me back to me. Back to the days when acceptance is more than just a word I chose to put on a list. 

I don’t understand how there are people who are able to embrace each day the way that they do. Positive and grateful and prayer and faith like everything is going to be just fine. It’s not my will it’s gods. Like how? How are you not so easily worried about the problems of trouble that bothered you slightly yesterday. I hate when people say it’s a choice. Like I’m choosing to feel as if a lose days just feeling sorry for myself. Like I’m choosing to feel like something inside me broke again. I get that positive energy brings the positive powers to you. I just don’t understand how people are able to do it. Everyday. Without missing a beat. Maybe you do have bad days though. You just seem to handle them better than me. 

Back to the train I mentioned at the beginning of all this. It takes courage and bravery to step off that platform everyday not knowing where you will end up. Most days it’s easy to take that step because the safety net that’s surrounds me. Even with the safety net, the difficulty lies in the days when it’s not so easy to step forward because staying still feels more safe. I want to go back to last week. The energy that was running through me was unmatched. Unfortunately as of learned before in sobriety the higher I feel the harder I end up falling. I don’t want to come across as someone who is out for attention. Please just move along. I’m not one for conversation in these dark times so I’ll step back and let the world continue without me. However if you should need me I’ll be here. Waiting quietly to pick you up should you need a hand to help you up. 

I play a good role and good act someone unknown to me might say. It’s a sad day when you start to see your own character defects in others around you. Makes me feel less than. Like is that really how I sound? I’ve changed more in 14 months than I have in 36 years of my life. I’ve shown a lot of growth. I notice it in the way I talk and handle situations that used to destroy me. But I feel it’s only temporary. I revert back to the old me on days when mentally I’m just checked out. It’s hard to form words that accurately describe the feelings I’m feeling. So all of this I just type feels like nothing. One very long sentence about how I’m mentally unsteady. Days like this will pass and most importantly I won’t drink. But I think about it. I’ve learned in the rooms to not entertain the thoughts that come. Pass them along as quickly as they came. But what do you do with the one that slips through? Sets up camp and decides to stay? We all have so many choices we as people have made in our lives. Each one directly effecting the outcome of our lives. Some choices we made others were made for us. But the most important choice we make is to not pick that drink back up.  No matter what. Just don’t drink. And come back. So I come back. No matter the mood or the decision that day to step on or step off. They’ll never say again that I am someone who doesn’t show up. 

I’m realizing as days like these arise that I’m my own trigger. What I mean by that is that I brings so much of this bullshit on myself. Moods. Feelings. Attitude. If I would just adjust my attitude because me mentally maybe the clearly will come. The glimmers of life will find me again. It’s hard though if you think about it. Probably making it harder on myself shutting out everyone. Locking the doors and I’m standing on the inside holding the only key. Mentally I trap myself. I repeat every negative thing about me. But something funny is said and I can’t help but laugh. On the outside I’m fine. Good. Confident and in one piece. It’s the inside that feels like millions jagged pieces just trying to put themselves back together. So the smile on the inside, as cracked as it may be, matches the one you all see on me.