“Some people want to see you fail. Disappoint them!” — The Dark Knight

10/04/24

I came to a realization. A thought maybe even, I don’t know. Sister? Family. I needed today to finally accept. The piece that was missing finally clicked. I’m at a point in my life when I don’t need them to be okay. I don’t think things will ever change on that. I’ve lived a long time. 36 years that feels like a life time. I’m no longer the version that used them and said some really awful things.  I can’t help but think that when she thinks of me that’s all she’ll ever see. I’m a decent human being just trying to do my best. It’s okay for me to put myself down but I can not allow someone else to do that. I’m starting to come to terms with I miss the old version of her. The one I use to laugh with and whose back I’d always have. That version of her no longer exists just as much as mine no longer does. And that’s okay. Sometimes I feel like, do I actually miss her or it is because I have too? So is that last statement me just trying to protect me? It’s okay that my family is not in my life. I just think I’ve put so many feelings into the situations around me. People and their families that I’ve always wondered why mine never worked out like that. Maybe that is what I’m actually missing not the family members themselves. People would tell me growing up of well you’ll miss them when they’re gone. passed away. Well… if I’m being honest they’ve all felt like they’ve been just that. Passed away. It makes me uncomfortable when I have to deal with my family. I don’t know how to respond or act. It’s better to just let it be. Please don’t talk to me. I sound like an asshole for saying that but it’s true. It’s what I feel. I should have to watch what I say. Just because someone has this belief as to who you are doesn’t mean that it’s true. I do love my sister. But I can love her from a far. I don’t know if it’s worth it to me anymore. I project so much out there for a simple thank you I love you text. I’ve already manifested this plan of how she’s gonna be there as I find my way back to my family. Do I want to come back? Honestly? If you needed an answer today it would be no. It’s exhausting when I do this to myself. I put all my eggs in one basket as I turn away for one second somehow they all end up broken. Today has made me realize the happiness that’s in my life today. Blood doesn’t make people your family. I deserve a family of my own and I got it. Right in front of me. I spent today with him and I couldn’t be happier going to sleep tonight.  I have people that love me for me. People who listen to what I’m saying and understand that I may say the wrong thing sometimes. I don’t have a fear that they’ll disappear over a simple misunderstanding. They love me. Every part of me. 

My sobriety has to come first. Anything that jeopardizes my mental well being I do not have time for. My mind is such a messed up place. One part is great she’s texting me. Then the other is like woah be careful let’s just pull this back. It makes me both mad and I’m truly uncomfortable in those type of situations. I complain because I don’t have my little sister in my life. But when there’s an opportunity for the situation to get better I’m very protective of myself. I just wanted to go back to her not talking to me. I’m scared I guess in a way. Scared I’ll get hurt. A fear that this happy, most days, life I have will suddenly vanish at the hands of her and her description of who she still thinks I am. I already got the other sister in my life and what’s become of that? I’m still waiting of a phone call she said she’d make 4 days ago. 

I needed to write this out. Put all my feelings out to try and organize them into a better collective thought. To understand my feelings and why I have them. Today was her birthday so I sent her a text this morning. No response til the end of the night. It started good. But all my texts after that were not what I originally said. I would type then delete. Type then delete. Over and over until I thought what I said was perfect. 

10/05/24

This feels like a broken record over and over. When will it just end. Have I healed this part of me or is it masked by layers of band aids? Do I want to heal for it? Is the constant pain I cause myself when she resurfaces just something for me to complain over? Something to talk about? 

Am I really a bad person trying to pretend to be a good one? I don’t believe this but that thought did pass through my mind tonight. It’s all in gods timing. No matter how much manifesting I do it’s ultimately up to my higher power. That plan may look very different than mine. That’s something I have got to try and learn better. I put the block back on from her messaging me. Some may be confused by this but hey she texted you back aren’t you grateful? I’m grateful the response was a good one. I’m glad she’s okay and seems like she had a good birthday. But the end of the conversation didn’t make me feel good. I’m not a bad person. I just don’t want her to have the ability to text me distracting and frustrating words. I’m clear headed today and I just can’t risk her sending me down a rabbit hole. I still don’t trust myself enough when it comes to thoughts and how I like to chase them all the way down. I’m happy she had a good birthday. I just wish she wasn’t so I miss my family. Makes me think she only misses me because we are family. Leaving me to wondering does she even want to get to know this version of me? I can’t speak for her so I don’t actually know. I don’t know how to be her sister anymore either. I hear it as I type that last sentence out. They’ve been out of the picture for so many years. No birthday texts or holiday wishes. I assume it’s possible to forget what it’s like to be in a room with someone who’s known you since you were 5. I prefer the rooms with people who genuinely want the best for me. People who see this version of me. Gonna keep myself surrounded by these people. They’ll be all the family I ever need. 

I feel like as god keeps allowing her to find her way back into my life. Is it part of his plan or is just plain luck? Does he do it to see if I’ve healed and am I ready for the next part? I think this all comes down to me. I want them to go away. Stay away.  Because I don’t want to deal with the feelings that come up when they come back around. 

Before sobriety I ran from feelings. Drowned every uncomfortable one. Shit. Every good one as well. Sure I loved you but I always loved what you could do for me more. A delusional thinker thinking nobody else mattered but me. Who cares about any of the feelings I hurt. Happiness is a feeling I struggle with. Growing up I got accustomed to searching for it in material things. I never knew happiness could be found, not at the end of a rainbow. but deep inside me. We can have things that make us happy. People. Places. In my case my cats.  But if you’re not happy with yourself I’m not sure if you’ll be happy. Listen I have all different days. The pages in these blog are prime examples. This day I’m sure I got it figured out and then tomorrow comes and it in pieces again. Look one thing is for certain. Today I’m aware I’m a good person who may have bad days but over good person. Couldn’t say that before sobriety. Everything felt like it was always my fault and I had to fix everything myself. 

10/07/24

All day today I had an attitude about myself. I just didn’t care. Didn’t care about anything. But overall today was a good day. I just think I was in that mood where I just took things for what they were. Didn’t sweat the small things that I seem to always let interrupt a good vibe I seem to find myself in. I’m had quite few really great days. Happiness. Peace. The type of days you just want to bottle up. I feel like I’ve talked about these kind of day in the past. The kind you want to pour out and relive. I’m too familiar with what follows days like these. A downward spiral. A rabbit hole of some sort. But I’m tired of going through the motions of days with no light. Days when searching for happiness is too much. I’d rather just check out on the day.

 It’s that just let it go era. Leave where it’s at and let it be. I’m entering with a mindset that feels different. Further it last forever or just til I sleep tonight. It’s different like a sort of attraction. I love it. I’m tired of holding on to the bullshit. The anger and frustration. It’s exhausting. I constantly try to manage the waves of sobriety. Trying to control everything around me. Letting one thing go and I’ll start from there. You don’t like me? Cool, have a nice day. I’m a decent person and today I tried to be a better one than yesterday. Accepting that people will have an opinion of me. From my past or in this present form. Either way how they feel about me sounds like a them problem not a me problem. Well at least that’s how I’m realizing it’s seems to be. I kinda like this 3 days blogs in one. It gives me a chance to see how my mindset changes from day to day. 24 hours makes all difference. How I feel today might not be how I’ll feel tomorrow. It’s interesting how I can type all this out and it’s all registering yet I still fall short. I have to admit I feel as if I fall short a lot. I let myself down because I know yet I still allow myself to get in the way. To constantly put myself down. Constantly forgetting all these amazing things I have in my life. The amazing things that me make well…. Me. I used to think that the things that made me stand out also made me weird. Unlikeable. Different in a really bad way. Sobriety has reminded me it’s what makes me different that’s what’s important. So many years of conforming myself so that others will think I’m special. I’m important enough to be in their presence. Cool enough to “fit in”. 

I never knew who I was or why I never seem to like me. I think I didn’t like me because who would want to. I remember as kid stealing money from my grandmoms wallet. I did it just to impress kids at school. I’d get them snacks. This or that. Guess my people pleasing started early. Buying friendship started back too. I just wanted to feel in. Because if you weren’t in you were talked about. I was talked about either way so looking back now it was so ridiculous. Stupid even. Thinking I’d never get caught. I don’t know when that switch happened. Turned cold and only cared about me. I’d say that first drink. But it probably started before that. Who’s knows but alcohol did something different. Filed a hole that before was empty. Each time chasing the time before. More. I need more. Black out. Over and over. Black out. 

I don’t know why I’m saying all this. Not many people know about that. They eventually found out. I don’t remember my grandmom being pissed and or angry. She just sat down next to me. Told me if I needed it I could have just ask. I think I might even have told her why it took it. I remember her saying something a long the lines anybody you have to buy for doesn’t deserve you to begin with. That could be some concoction I made up to help myself cope with me fucking up. Attaching a good memory, made up or not, to a bad one in hopes it’ll make me feel like a better person. I never liked that I made mistakes. Who does? Lied so many times who knows what’s real and what’s fake. For so long alcohol filled everything I thought my life was missing. Made every screw up not seem so bad. The friend that never needed anything. Always there. Guess that’s how all alcoholic feels I suppose. The point I’m trying to make is a mindset can make your day or break your day. Something clicked  in me in the last few days. I don’t want to constantly put myself down. It’s not healthy for me and I can see why mentally I have days that are a struggle. Some days I can’t help it or maybe I can and I haven’t learned how to. I don’t know. But I do know im happy to be me. Express myself in a way I want people to view me. Thinking my the coolest and funniest person because deep down I truly think I am. But knowing it’s okay if you don’t think I am. Like this blog and I’m so appreciative of the people who read it. The older version of me is out dated. I apologize if that’s the only version you know. And it sad if that’s the version you’re sticking to. But, on the off hand you want to meet someone new. Please allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Mel.