“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” —Dolly Parton

10/18/24

I apologize for being gone too long. I’ve been living in the clouds. Counting blessings and living sober. Watching steps as I finding begin to tip toe. Prayers catch me before I slip. Living life up here is better than anything I had down there. 

Truth is I don’t remember the last bad day. The last day spent inside a twisted mind as mine can be. Mentally stable and in control. I can’t express the gratitude I have for the life I love today. I’m not oblivious to the thoughts today might not be the same as tomorrow. But as I sat in an AA room tonight I could help but feel grateful. Grateful for the people that surrounded me. As we share about experiences. Strengths and weaknesses. Laugh about how it was before because we can all agree things are far better today. The joy that comes with sharing words with people who know what you’re saying. Understanding the thoughts that plague your mind but are absent from it today. Sobriety has given me peace of mind. I feared it. Wasn’t using to feeling feelings. Both good and bad. Most alcoholics would otter this same statement. My life is pretty great today. Past few days. A week or so I don’t really understand why. Because I’m just living sober. 

This isn’t me bragging or puffing out my chest… like hey, look at me. I’m just trying to better understand the day to day. I know very well how fast all of this could disappear. I’ve fallen from this high so many times before in the last 15 months. Something feels different. Chalk it up to my higher power or me just taking life as life comes. I pinch myself to see if I’m actually awake because the way I handle things differ from so many times before. The reality of everything set in more and more as the day turns to night and then to day again. Waking up to the same life I left the night before. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and a sense damn this really is my life. I used to want everything. Anything to impress you. Just so you’d notice me. Give me the attention I seek. My old self thrived in these moments. New version doesn’t really need them. It’s interesting how I’m understanding more about me without a drink. How much alcohol effected me without physically holding it in my hand. 

I’m jumping around a lot because there’s a lot of goodness jumping out of me. Watch me jump from cloud to cloud. I land soft because life is soft. There’s a part of mind that still doesn’t fully believe. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. For now I’m cool though just running with one shoe. It’ll fall when it’s meant to fall. I’ll catch and move on. See in my sobriety I can only speak for myself. I can only tell you readers what I personally go through. What I’m feeling on this day or that day. Words are easier to describe when they’re dark and twisted. When they have zero hope and fully of grief. Those are the times I’m used to. But I wanted to write this to remind myself it’s okay to have good days and talk about them. It’s okay to have good things and want to express them. To not worry if someone will think I’m rubbing in it or flexing as I sometimes say. I deserve it all. 

I guess what it comes down to is me just being happy. I have zero complaints today as I’m about to rest my head.

10/19/24

Today I have 15 months of doing sober shit. I have 15 months of not needing a drink to be social. 15 months of no hangover or apologies. I’m level headed and calm this morning. Today was a good day. There’s a calmness I’ve since grown addicted to. When your mind is calm your life seems to follow. At least that’s how it’s been working for me. I wish I could find a magic word that would allow me to give some of this away. Like to the next person who’s going through a bad day. Shit, bad week. Because I’ve been there. I don’t want them to feel alone. Out there fighting monsters by themselves. The rain will stop and the darkness will lift. You’ll see the sun again just keep walking straight. Today doesn’t feel any different than yesterday and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But I do know I’m proud to be me today. You can love me or you can hate me. I’m okay with either way you choose. I hope you get something out of the things I just typed. When I started to post writing on the page I struggled a lot. Most days were spent roaming around in the dark. I’m nervous that this is becoming the new norm. Like I have to accept this is my reality and I deserve to feel amazing. I don’t want to become over attached and forget a bad day could be happen in the next 24 hours. So I’m gonna stay in today. Help who I can and just be a better person. If you need me I’m up in the clouds. If you feel like this blog entry has nothing of any substance, you’re not the only one. I’ll do better next time. Promise. Bye. ✌🏻 

10/20/24

Today was a day full of gratitude. I’m more appreciative of the days like today. When my heads not as cloudy and the rain seems to have ran out of water. There’s value in these days. I’m grateful because I know how fast tomorrow these type of days can disappear. How subconsciously I can put days like these on the shelf. When the clouds disappear, how fast I will fall. Become stuck. Because if you an all the time, every blog reader, you already know I’ve master following my mind and where it can lead me. I have zero resistance against myself. It’s very difficult for me to tell myself know. Self discipline is a defect for sure. I want many things but need very little. The want overpowers the need every time. That I can not tell myself no. It’s a struggle for sure. 

Come back to today. Another to add to the stack that seems to be getting too high. But run with it. You’re running free. Mentally sound. I’m content. Peace looks good on me. I’m wearing sobriety well. A laugh amongst great friends. I really am blessed to be loved like I am today. My kids walk on four legs and meow at me to play. I smile because today I got to do that. I know that bad days aren’t gone forever. By bad I mean the ones where I feel trapped. Stuck inside is mind so focus on everything going wrong that I can’t see all the things that I’m grateful for. Come back to today again…. The meeting this morning. Breakfast with friends. An afternoon spent with him ❤️. Dinner and playtime with the cats before bed. Today was pretty great. I’m getting use to days like today. That thought both excited me and frightens me. But no matter which way tomorrow goes I’ll be grateful to go through it. Maybe not at that exact moment ha! But when I look back I’ll be grateful for it. I’m not projecting I’m just preparing because not every day is gonna be like today. When the sun is shining it’s easy to smile. But are you strong enough to smile through the rain? I’d like to think that I can. This too shall pass right?