10/23/24

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
― Dr. Seuss

Time is the only currency we spend without truly knowing how much of it we have. Time has always fascinated me. Every moment you spend is a moment, better yet, a second you can’t get back. How many people out there have said I’ll see you tomorrow to a friend? Only tomorrow never came for them. The second we’re born the clock starts to tick. When will the clock stops isn’t up to you. Well technically, that’s not true. Today? Tomorrow? 3 weeks from now? What about 30 years? If you play by the rules that decision isn’t up to you.

How much time is wasted? How much of your life is just gone before you’re even able to remember your own name? Every black out that you swore was only for a good time. Yet you can’t even remember what was said or who even said it. So how good of a time was it? Sounds like it was wasted. Maybe in the moment it doesn’t seem like that. But we all have to be honest with ourselves. As you reflect how many black outs ruined a night of what would’ve been great memories? Being an alcoholic is more than just the alcohol. I used alcohol as a weapon to protect myself. Make excuses for myself. Liquid Courage. I used alcohol to pass the time. Never intended to get drunk but when I drank oops! it just happened. I never valued time. Thought there was plenty of it. As a child I thought I’d live forever. Then I turn 16 and knew I wasn’t making 30. I didn’t see an in between. So I pushed the limit. On everything and anything. Nothing mattered because no one cared. Maybe somebody did and it was my own delusional thinking screaming nobody loves you. I didn’t love myself. Didn’t know how because nobody showed me. Thinking if I died in a black out it wouldn’t hurt as much. But my eyes always opened the next morning. Leaving me to waste even more time putting put back together the pieces that the night before was never suppose to break. Jumping from you to me and you to I. At the end of it all you are me and I am you.

As I sit here typing this at 36 years old. I feel much older than that. I shared before about its a feeling almost like I’ve lived a lifetime all in 36 years. Guess that’s the price its cost when you spend most of your young life running. Days pass by slowly yet the years seem to stack up at a rapid pace. All of sudden you don’t remember being 5. You laugh remembering how you thought you’d live forever. No amount of money can bring back yesterday. You can’t buy yourself more time. You can only do your best with the time you’ve been given. I don’t always think I’m capable of this. But I get up and try every day anyways. Time hold value now. Wanting to spend more of it doing this instead of that. More time sober so I attend AA and my best friend is another alcoholic. But some days even that’s not enough. The time spent inside your own mind. Anxiety. ADHD. My mind is racing as my heart tries to keep up. Just breathe.

I apologize if I don’t remember what you said today. I’m in my own head. Thoughts steal time away from my day and away from the time meant to be spent with you. It’s like an addiction in its own right. I started to feel bad and I allow myself to continue to suffer. I follow myself down the hole. One thing makes the thing before it seem even worse. Stole hours and my hope is thought it doesn’t get tomorrow or the next. Today was the price I paid for 2+ weeks of an average good day. Mentally trashed. I know that sounds as delusional as I believe it is but it’s the 2nd thought I had when the feelings shifted. The first was the serenity prayer. 6x. Still the feelings I couldn’t shake. Guess he ain’t listening to me today.

Anxiety got the best of me today. Kick my ass like I haven’t been working on me. Sure, it’ll always be a part of me but not like this. Hours prior just feel like a waste. Uncomfortable and anxious. Mind racing. Over and over. Thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. I can’t focus on this conversation so I’ll sit here and pretend to engage. There’s a wall full of bottles behind me. I’m an alcoholic so you can assume where my mind started going. I entertained the thought as you talked about this and then that. All the while you’re going on and going I’m thinking thank god I sat on this side. There’s days I’m pissed I’m an alcoholic. But thankful I know that I am. I’m a confusing person. A walking contradiction. It’ll help today but not tomorrow. 15 months will disappear. Talk about wasting time. I can’t go back to day one. Grateful I’ve yet to experience a reason. Praying I never find one. Strong. Resilient. But if things happen? Watch me. Because I am still capable of burning my entire life to the ground.

Tears fell on that drive home. In the car. Alone. I fight back tears as I’m screaming at people in traffic. More upset because my anxiety got the best of me today. 90% was me being angry at me. The rest was because you simply can’t drive. I won’t lie it felt good to cry. When I got home they were there. I don’t know if they understood anything I was saying. They made me feel better just being there. Running on all four legs. I watched as they played. It was a much needed distraction. I’ll truly never understand how I made it this long without them. They fill a piece of me I didn’t know was even empty. Luna will watch me as I type this. Chasing the cursor across the screen. As she walks I delete. All the buttons her paws seem to hit.

There’s no price on time. Once is spent, you can’t exchange it or ask for a refund. I’ll always be fascinated with time. I wish I would’ve found out sooner how precious the years really are. I like to think I would have done a little more with the amount I was given. No sense in day dreaming about the past. Can’t go back and there’s only one other way to go. The day passes. One 24 and another 24 and another 24. Time will go on with or without you. It’ll be a lot more fun if you decide to be apart of it. I promise you. Shit, even the little girl in me still thinks she’ll live forever. Maybe I will maybe I won’t. But I’ll never take it for granted. Not intentionally anyways. I want to spent time with the ones I love and that love me. The ones that make me smile a little bigger and laugh a little harder. Some people are just special in that way. I do feel better. Mentally and I’m not justing stating that. I don’t want to talk about it. I chose to just type. My fingers slide across the same keys as they always do. Tomorrow will always be brand new.