“No one likes feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable and weak. But I really have found that it’s in those moments when I go there that there’s a kind of magic.” — Emma Watson

It doesn’t come as a shock. It shouldn’t to anyone who knew me. Drank with me. Partied with me. That I’d end up here. I belong in this seat. My name was written on this seat. Before I even knew of AA or that I belonged. When I came to that first meeting I didn’t think I would become a plant planted inside these rooms permanently. It’s become both a blessing and a curse. I’m both grateful and remorseful. Grateful I made it to this chair. Remorseful for the actions I committed on the journey that led me to this chair. I have just over 15 months of sobriety I finally understand what this sit means to me. These meetings do for me. When I’m sitting here in this seat regularly I don’t realize what it’s doing for me. But when the days add up and the presence of these rooms are absent I start to set in. I turn inward instead of outward. I listen to me instead of those around me. Some of the best people I’ve met in these rooms. Both new questions have arose and old ones are solved. I made a promise to myself when I sat through that 1st meeting. Something felt safe and comfortable. So much that I swore I’d never lie inside these rooms. 

I’d never fake a smile or hide what is wrong. There’s things I’ve kept to myself and didn’t announce. Everything I’e ever said came from a place of honesty. I’ve always struggled with taking what I’ve learned inside the rooms out into the real world. Sometimes I just want to stay in the bubble these rooms make me feel like I’m in some days. Most days I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Staying sober but not really understanding what it is that causing me to feel off. Different. The downslide after a time spent in the clouds. Falling after climbing so high. Unable to deal with feelings felt. I’d rather feel nothing than everything some days. 

Today was a good day. Better day than I’ve had in a few. Being able to breathe finally after days of being suffocated by my own mind. I was drowning and these rooms again threw me a life vest. It’s rushes on me before I even realize what’s happened. So many good days I’m convinced I have all of this figured out. Old me tells new me you got this. You’ll cure yourself of your own alcoholic ways. Delusional thoughts lead to ongoing delusional thinking. Down the path I follow. Watch me trick myself again I got this. Everything is fine I’m fine. You don’t need any of this or all of that. Crash. Burn. I’m drowning again. Life vest required. Today I’m okay. Today I’m reminding myself just how grateful I am. I should be. See life is easier now. People say don’t confuse boredom with serenity. That’s me time and time again. I look for a win. Something to excite me.  The chaos. How could I forget that I am the win. I’m growing and a day at a time I’m sober. That in itself is truly exciting. I know. I know. Some days I’m fighting me. It’s on those days I need a reminder. I’m lucky to be here. To be love. Know I am loved. Even if I don’t always love myself. There’s people who don’t have any of this. I’m blessed there’s a seat always ready for me. I confuse boredom with serenity daily. I need self love. Learning how it because I was never taught. I’m 36 years old and I’m still not sure who I am. I’m a walking bulletin board of pictures from everyone I’ve met. Pieces I’ve liked from this person or that person. I took the good with the bad. I’ve accepted this might just never change. How can I love myself if internally I don’t even know who I am? I talking past all the music and things that I like. Who am I?

I appreciate anyone who reads any of these blogs. See I’m not always the best human to be friends with but I try my best. This isn’t me beating myself up. This is me trying to just be honest. Friends are your bestest supporters and your toughest critics. I worry about you. I worry about me too. I have days these both are equally the same. Then there’s days more often than not one is a little higher up there on the chain. I’m sorry if there are days you are left on read. I’m sorry if I don’t show up when you expect me too. Finding balance. There is this saying don’t pick the phone up when you’re winning if it never rang when you were losing. The phones rings and it’s me who doesn’t pick up. I still sometimes feel like it’s me against the world. Me against everything. Including me. There’s strength in numbers and this is when your army plays the biggest part. I forget that I have an army some days. So used to dealing with things entirely by myself. On my own terms. I just figured I’d have everything figured out by now. 15 months and I’m pissed at myself that things still affect me the way they do.

A Sunday baby shower. Can’t go to a party without the anxiety of everything. The people and the noises. The million different conversations that I’m trying to follow. But I got myself here. A large group of people I don’t know still affects me the way it does like when I was drinking. I don’t know how to handle situations that baffled me. That’s why I used alcohol and everything that came with it. Liquid courage was a real thing and I felt it every time I picked one up. 

These are the reasons I drank at every function. Sometimes more sometimes less. Always planning my exit the minute I find my seat. I become a fly on the wall. A wallpaper personality. This isn’t me. I have a lot to say. I don’t know people enough to say them. Trust that what I say won’t make me sound stupid or as if I don’t belong in the circle I believe I don’t belong in. I try to speak. Make small conversations. But I spend most of my time inside my own head. I lose what it is like to be noticed. The want, to be noticed. I feel out of place. Lost. Like why did I even decided to show my face. Should’ve just sent a gift and stayed home. But she thought enough of me as a friend to invite me. Thought I’d owed the same to at least make an appearance. I leave and the breeze hits me with so much relief. I finally feel some relief from the trap I always imprison myself in. 

Where do I go from here? More will be revealed. My sponsor is probably grinning to right now. Tells me this and that. All of them make sense. Life unfolds day after day. Life is easier when the days aren’t so mismatched. Life raised me. AA taught me how to grow up. 15 months sober still got things to work on. I’ll keep coming back. The best part about my day. I get to come home to the one person who’s always felt like it. If anything this is a daily reminder of how grateful I really am.